Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I have temporary custody of his sister’s child. “Jeremy” is 7 years old and going through tons of difficult changes. He was removed from the home for reasons not related to abuse. He’s living with us, can’t see his parents, and is at a new school. He didn’t know our family to begin with, and is also adjusting to having siblings with a different dynamic than in his parents’ home. We have him in play therapy but I’m not sure if it’s doing anything.
Our problem is how to make him feel secure in our household when the rules are so much looser than he’s used to. We have unstructured time for independent play every day, without instructions. We don’t go to church or have prayer hour at home. We allow (supervised) mainstream cartoons on weeknights. We don’t have dessert often but no one is required to finish a plate, kids just have to take a bite of every food. We don’t spank but we do have firm time-outs. We don’t have girl chores and boy chores, we have age-appropriate chores everyone rotates through. We dress more casually, especially me and our girls. All of this is different from his parents’ place. And any time he catches himself enjoying things that are different from his parents’ rules, he has a small meltdown.
Jeremy worries all the time about getting in trouble, even though he follows our house rules and does well in school. He gets overwhelmed when he is given a choice of what to do (when he expects to just be told), and treats or special occasions are especially hard. Our biological kids (5 and 8) get along with him OK and are very patient, but he’s afraid of getting in trouble all of the time. Recently, he had a crying meltdown when our younger daughter had goldfish before a late dinner (we gave her permission) because he was scared she would be in trouble. He laid on the floor in between us and her and screamed and sobbed about how he did it, not her, and “she didn’t mean it” until we reassured him that she wasn’t in trouble and neither was he. How do we find more support for him? Or make him feel safer at home? It’s been three months, and his social worker is stretched thin so if he’s in good health, she has no other involvement.
—Loose Rules Auntie
Dear Auntie,
I reached out to Sarah Feteau, a licensed clinical social worker, for some guidance in answering your question. As a former foster care case worker with the Illinois Department of Children and Family Services, Feteau saw a lot of familiar themes in your letter from the clients she used to serve. The number one thing she urged was patience.
“Jeremy spent years following the rules and expectations in his home of origin,” Feteau said. “It will take months, or even years, for him to feel safe enough to do things differently than what he has been taught. As for you, consistency is key! It sounds like you’re doing a great job of creating a safe space for Jeremy and letting him know the expectations in your home. Focus on the positives! Praise Jeremy when he does well in school and at home.”
Feteau also suggested that if Jeremy has trouble with open-ended situations, like free time, it’s appropriate to offer him two choices to choose from so that he feels less anxious or overwhelmed. And, she advised that you and your husband should each spend some time one-on-one with Jeremy so that he can continue to develop secure relationships with you both.
I’ll add a few things I would consider in your shoes:
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Find out of if you can meet with the play therapist for coaching based on what they’re working on with Jeremy. And while I think you should also have patience with play therapy (it can take time), once you can get on the social worker’s schedule you can ask her about whether it’s within your power to find additional therapy for Jeremy if you think it’s necessary.
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Think about ways you can help Jeremy make sense of this new set of rules. Use analogies—one that comes to mind is sports. You could explain to him that different houses have different rules just like different sports do. In soccer, you can’t touch the ball with your hands, but in football you can. It doesn’t mean that one is right or wrong, they’re just different, and people can play both sports. (I know you might be balking at the restrictiveness of his birth home—I certainly am—but I think this point could be really important to make if the ultimate goal is reunification with his parents. You want him to be set up for success in your home, but you also need to ensure he can reacclimate there.)
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Find a community of other foster caregivers. Whether you turn to social media groups, books, or support groups (Feteau noted that the social worker might be able to refer some in your area if you can’t find one), I think it’s always helpful to know you aren’t on an island.
Hang in there. Progress isn’t always linear. Find the small victories and lean into them while you continue to support him in his adjustments.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I used to be very close to my cousin, but when she got married and had her kids, they moved out of state. I frequently travel to a major city near them and not once has my cousin offered to meet me there. I get a lot of guilt trips about how much she misses me and wants me to get to know her kids but there is never any follow up. Last time, I rented a car to visit her at her home only for her cancel on me while I was literally on the road to her house. I told her how disappointed and disrespected that made me feel. Why would she make me waste my time and money like that? She got defensive and went on about how one of the kids wasn’t feeling well and because I don’t have kids, I have no idea how stressed she is. I let it go but things went back to her rarely returning my calls or making any real effort while going on and on about how she wishes we were closer. It feels very performative at this point. Do I give up and just let our friendship die or is it worth another shot?
—Close Cousins
Dear Cousin,
In most situations like this, I advise people to try to give as much grace as they can to their friends who are “in it” with parenting. There are so many logistics, and depending on the age of the kid, you’re balancing your social life with that of your child—including anything from play dates to activities to just trying to make friends with other parents in your town. It’s a lot, and it can be easy to just take your long-term friends for granted; indeed, sometimes you rely on being able to do so. But not without a conversation between both parties!
I think now is the time to have a loving but firm conversation with your cousin. Let her know that you understand that she’s up to her eyeballs in parenting and that there is a lot about that part of her life that you don’t understand. And yet, it’s hard to feel like you’re getting mixed messages from her. Let her know you’re not blaming her, but you just want to know where you stand: Does she want you to keep trying? Is she able to make more of an effort, or is she in a phase of her life where you two can’t be close now, but perhaps the friendship can be rekindled later?
I’ll give you a couple anecdotes from my life. One of my besties, who I have referenced in the column before, knows that if he wants to see me, the burden falls mostly on him to arrange it. I always thank him, but I’m very clear that at this stage in my life, I need him to steward our friendship—I sometimes feel guilty about this, but because we are on the same page, no one gets hurt feelings. In contrast, my mom and her best college friend (my godmother) were very tight when I was young but fell out of regular contact during the insanely busy middle and high school years for their kids. Once all of us were in college, however, they rekindled their friendship and have been going strong ever since. Friendships ebb and flow, and that is OK, but everyone needs to be brave and vulnerable enough to say what they need. I hope you and your cousin can get there!
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My 7-year-old nephew, Jason, is off the rails. He has had a hard few years, his parents divorced, his father moved across the state, and then over the summer, he moved with his mom (my sister) to live with our parents while my sister looked for a new place. He started at a new school a few weeks ago.
He has always had anger issues. I’ve watched him time and time again hit, yell, and sometimes attempt to bite my sister. He will stop responding to everyone and just get sullen and quiet. There are some control issues with other things as well. My sister has also done a poor job of maintaining and enforcing boundaries (think taking away the TV only to relent as Jason dug in after five minutes of a screaming fit).
However, this has culminated in two major issues over the last week. For reasons I’m unsure about, Jason seems unable to recognize hunger signs (my child, now 15, never had this issue). He goes from being fine to hangry in two minutes. Previously, this would lead to him not talking and maybe hanging back a bit from the group as we walked. However, my sister, my child and I took Jason to an amusement park. We were talking about getting lunch, and he said he wanted to go back on a ride. We told him we wanted to go get food and we’d come back to the ride later. Thinking he’d just trail us (as he is known to do), we started off. We later turned around to find out that Jason had completely disappeared. The security people said he found them right by the ride he was waiting at. While he got props for finding security, we still emphasized that behavior wasn’t OK. Later, when we said it was time to go, we had to physically drag him from the park.
Then, I found out that my sister was called into the new school because Jason was trying to escape. I didn’t get all the details but he was trying to run out the front door more than once. He said he was bored in his class (he was swapped to another one after this) and that they didn’t do anything. He has previously attempted to run away from home a few times, never getting very far.
He is in therapy and has been since he was little. While obviously his therapist has changed with the move, he says he likes his new one. He says he doesn’t remember any of the techniques that his old one taught him for his anger. My sister has repeatedly brought up the running away/hanging back issue but I don’t know what’s been talked about. I’m at a loss about what to do. I want to be a supportive aunt, and I want to be able to take him places (both by myself, with my kid, and with his mom!). My parents, who are elderly, want to be able to take him places. But we are all terrified he is going to run off and get hurt. The fact that nothing happened at the amusement park was likely dumb luck. What are our options here besides never taking Jason anywhere? We have all talked with him until we are blue in the face about needing to stay with us. It hasn’t helped.
—Can’t Keep Him Home Forever
Dear Home Forever,
This is one of those letters where I wish we were having this conversation over coffee, because I have several questions and disparate thoughts that are hard to synthesize without more information. But I’ll give it my best shot.
It sounds like Jason has had a hard life. At only 7 years old, he’s experienced divorce, relocations, new schools, and whatever else might have been going on in his home before his parents separated. And while I’m sure he’s exhibiting a lot of unwanted behavior—and probably has been for a while—these things are undoubtedly connected, so I get a little uncomfortable when I see phrases like “off the rails,” and comparing his behavior to your child, who probably has had a much more stable home life. I believe you when you say you love him and want the best for him, no doubt, but maybe just do a vibe check on yourself. I always bristle, for example, when I hear folks say, “I know he has ADHD, but he just needs to pay more attention!” To me, I wonder if a similar thing might be happening with Jason—acknowledging the challenges in his life but still maybe judging him for how its manifesting. I might be wrong, and if I am, I happily take it back.
The reason I’m asking about that is that when something is amiss, often times we expect the individual to adapt to their environment, but we don’t often think about how we can help the environment adapt to them. It’s a subtle but important shift. So, regarding the amusement park, you were right to correct his decision to leave the group, and I think there are also other actions you can take on the next outing to set everyone up for success. You could carry snacks, so that everyone stays regulated. You could insist all children walk ahead of or next to you. You could make an order of operations plan for the day so that Jason, and everyone, knows what is going to happen in which order, and ensure that everyone participates in and understands changes of plans. This can make impulses less likely to take over, plus these kinds of habits help all kids feel more in control.
One near-future step could be to set up a family counseling session with Jason’s therapist so that you, your sister, and your parents are all on the same page for how to work with Jason. He’s going to need boundaries and consistency from you all, as well as a lot of love and patience. That can be a really hard alchemy to strike, as we covered above, especially if he’s being violent or dismissive. Working as a team is your best chance, I think, for a path forward that helps everyone thrive together.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My partner, toddler, and I live across the country from our extended families. A grandparent is retiring and moving nearby soon. This will be wonderful for all of us! We also know there will be an adjustment period. Our little family has hit a nice stride recently—my partner and I both have rewarding careers and we enjoy lots of unscheduled, outdoors time together on the weekend. We want the grandparent to have frequent time with us and solo time with the kid AND we’re feeling anxious about sharing our limited family time. How have your families navigated this? How did you re-negotiate schedules and boundaries when things weren’t working? Any tips from the other side of this transition?
—Pack Up and Move
Dear Move,
Local grandparents who are willing and able to help with young kids are such a blessing! But you’re right that there can be hiccups. That’s why I’d recommend that your first move be some shared expectation setting—have a conversation with the grandparent where you talk about what you each hope this arrangement will look like. Speak openly and collaboratively and establish from the start that you want to go into this as close to being on the same page as you can.
Some questions to consider:
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Is the grandparent going to serve as regular child care, or just here to pitch in now and then? Regular child care doesn’t have to be every workday, but it could mean that Fridays are Nana days, where she picks up the kid after school and spends quality one-on-one time while you guys work late or get some date nights to yourselves. This is the kind of arrangement I have with my kids’ grandparents, and it’s really worked for our family and them.
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How does the grandparent feel about having your toddler stay for overnights, and will their house be set up to entertain Junior in that way?
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Is grandparent’s expectation that they will become a bonus family member, wherein they’re always invited to the weekend park trip or apple picking expedition? Better to temper that now, if it’s not your expectation, but make a commitment to frequent-if-sporadic family time together.
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Are there any ways you can help the grandparent establish their own life and social circle in their new town? From decorating help to advising on local clubs to introducing them to the retirees down the street, you can do a lot to help them feel welcome while also giving them a life that doesn’t revolve around your weekend plans.
I would also make space in this conversation to discuss the fact that no one can tell the future, and the things you decide today might not work a few months, a year, two years down the line. In my family, I always ask before each school year whether the current arrangements are still working for everyone, and try to give the grandparents an opportunity to scale back their babysitting with no hard feelings. Talk about how you’ll have these conversations and agree that everyone will give grace if someone says they aren’t getting what they need.
Remember, also, that parenting today looks a lot different than when grandparent was managing their household. In this conversation, you might need to share what your current day-to-day cadence is like. They may not understand that weekday nights are precarious and precious (and how, between the commute home, laundry, bath and bedtime, you don’t have a lot of time to host a dinner, etc.) If you can establish an open dialogue now, you’ll have a much easier time integrating into each other’s lives.
Finally, don’t worry so much about what could go wrong or what you’re giving up that you miss the benefits that will come from this move. New doesn’t always have to be difficult or bad, and I hope you’ll find this change brings a lot of blessings to your growing family. Good luck!
—Allison
More Advice From Slate
I am 24. I work full-time and am struggling to finish my degree. My days off work are always random ones in the middle of the week, so it is hard to get together and make plans with people. My sister is a year younger than me with two toddlers. She married a guy ten years older than her when she was 19 (and everyone told her it was a bad idea but she was determined to go ahead). Our parents moved overseas two years ago, so it is just her and me in the local area. Whenever she calls me, she wants to know when my days off are so I can do X, Y, and Z for her. She never asks about my life in any way.
