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Courtesy of Joelle Mulligan.
- Joelle Mulligan’s upbringing was strict compared to today’s standards. At times, it included a diet.
- Her parents moved cross-country to help with childcare when she started her own family.
- Mulligan encouraged her mom to adopt a gentler style of parenting that the grandma has now embraced.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with the mom of two, Joelle Mulligan, a 41-year-old hardware engineer from Santa Cruz, California. It has been edited for length and clarity.
My husband, Ryan, and I practice gentle parenting. We are very conscious of raising our two kids, aged 5 and 2, in a way that encourages confidence and empathy.
My parents were amazing — I was loved, cared for, and kept safe — and I got their undivided attention as an only child. However, a different style of parenting was popular in the 1980s.
Dad couldn’t handle it when I had big feelings as a kid and was crying. There was a certain amount of yelling. He’d say, “Stop crying. This isn’t a thing to cry about.” Mom got it from him and sometimes did the same.
One of the most challenging issues was about food. It came from a good place because my parents just wanted my life to be better. Their way was to try to make my body smaller.
We were pleased my parents moved cross-country
I was raised with a certain amount of dieting. It was often, “Three more bites of broccoli.” It drove my father nuts that I didn’t want to go outside and play. He wanted me to exercise, while I preferred sitting inside reading.
My parents moved from Charlottesville, Virginia, to California in 2021 when my daughter was 2, and I was about six weeks pregnant with my son.
It was a massive change, but they wanted to live closer. My husband, a college counselor, and I were happy the kids could develop a strong relationship with my parents.
But, soon after they arrived, Dad had two heart attacks. Then, he was diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer in March 2022. He died just three months later at 71.
Courtesy of Joelle Mulligan
We were devastated. The following year, Mom moved to a retirement community within 15 minutes of our house. The kids were in full-time day care until 5:30 p.m., but she started filling in the gaps when we needed a babysitter.
One day, she asked, “Do you want me to take them after 3 p.m. every day?” We immediately said yes. It didn’t reduce the cost of the day care, but she bonded with them by taking them to places like the park and library.
I thought about our contrasting parenting styles and wondered if it would cause challenges. Mom, now 68, was a little skeptical about things like food neutrality — where no foods are considered “good” or “bad,” fostering a healthy mindset toward eating— and baby-led weaning.
But I taught her the benefits. When my son was old enough for solids, she learned not to spoon-feed him purees as she had me. She followed our lead and let him pick up his own food from his plate.
Mom is a wonderful grandmother to our children
As for gentle parenting, she has realized you can’t control how kids are feeling; how it’s helpful to step back and let them experience their emotions. A few weeks ago, my son was in the thick of having big feelings and not knowing what to do about them. He was driving Mom bat shit that day, but she stepped away from the situation and took a breath.
If it had been me when I was a child, she would probably have gotten mad and raised her voice.
She’s a wonderful grandmother. I’m so proud that she has shown a willingness to learn and respect our kids for who they are and meet them where they are.
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