Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I love my son and 5-year-old grandson, but my daughter-in-law causes me nothing but stress. She is highly critical and thin-skinned. I volunteered to watch my grandson after she went back to work and it has been nothing but trouble. She treats me as though I am the paid help and not very bright. I gave my son and daughter-in-law a schedule of when I attend church activities and the gym so we can coordinate. She ignores it to call me at a minute’s notice to babysit and gets upset when I tell her no. She has called me a gym rat because I do spin and yoga several times a week and overly religious because I attend church. She has complained about me taking my grandson with me if I go. I was even scolded for taking my grandson to see my friends because they might have a dog.
I stopped watching my grandson at their place because more and more chores kept being piled on me. If I complain, she accuses me of trying to sabotage her career. My son will not defend me and says that is just how his wife is. My sisters have retired to a city about six hours away, and my daughter has also settled there after spending years abroad. I am thinking of moving there. But my son and his wife are having another baby, and I know they will expect me to repeat the child care that I offered. I love my grandson, but I am not putting myself through another five years of this. My daughter-in-law has threatened to refuse to let me see my grandson before. I am afraid she might follow through. What should I do?
—Stressed Granny
Dear Stressed Granny,
The decision about where to live should be about you and what you want, not about your son and daughter-in-law. Even if your relationship with them were easier, you don’t owe them unlimited child care, nor are you obligated to remain in your current town for their sake. If you’d be happier and more fulfilled living in the same city as your sisters and your daughter, go ahead and move. If you’d prefer to stay put, however, don’t leave in order to escape being pressured into babysitting—just tell your son and daughter-in-law that you can’t be their regular childcare provider anymore.
You don’t have to address their rules or complaints; you can focus on the facts. Because setting aside any friction between you and your daughter-in-law, it really sounds like your schedule and your son and DIL’s childcare wants and needs aren’t compatible. They probably need someone who can be around every day or most days if they are both working. You have other places to go and other things you want to do. It’s admirable that you wanted to help and volunteered in the first place, but if their needs and wants don’t align with your availability or capacity as a caregiver, it’s better for all of you to be honest about that.
I know you’re fed up. But if your goal is to avoid a big blowup, don’t make this personal when you talk to your son and daughter-in-law—it doesn’t have to be about you versus anyone; it can be about them needing a service you don’t think you can provide. If you want to spend time with your grandchild(ren) and you’re still OK with babysitting every now and then, you can say so, while letting them know that they’ll need to make other arrangements for regular care. It is their responsibility to figure out an arrangement that will work for their family, and that is true regardless of whether you occasionally help out or where you decide to live.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I have two kids, aged 4 and 6. We were pretty certain our family was complete, and indicated as much whenever the topic of having more kids came up. Very recently, we’ve had a change of heart and are newly expecting our third. This will come as quite a surprise to our friends and family. My sister-in-law has struggled with infertility for five-plus years, and though we know they will be happy for us, we also know our news will be painful for them to hear. Ideally, I’d wait until after I’m 12 weeks along to share the news in a tactful way, however, we’re taking a family trip with my husband’s extended family in a few weeks when my morning sickness will likely be at its worst. We’ll all be staying at the same house and I’m worried my pregnancy symptoms will be obvious. If the news “gets out” I’m worried that this will ruin the trip for my SIL. What should I do?
—Pregnant and Pondering
Dear Pregnant and Pondering,
It’s kind of you to want to spare your sister-in-law’s feelings. But I don’t think it’s a given that she or another of your in-laws will guess your news just because you’re sharing a house, since most early-pregnancy symptoms can also be chalked up to other causes. And even if they have suspicions, many people would still wait for you to say something.
It’s worth talking with your husband and deciding how you want to respond should anyone in his family directly ask whether you’re pregnant. (Maybe something like, “We weren’t planning on sharing the news or talking with anyone about it until after the first trimester,” assuming you don’t want to lie.) If no one asks, you can wait and tell everyone early in the second trimester, or whenever you had planned to tell them. I know this is easier said than accomplished, but even if someone guesses the truth before then, you don’t have to confirm or discuss it at length until you’re ready—you are still entitled to your privacy.
Of course, your sister-in-law will find out about your pregnancy eventually, and when she does, you can still try to be as sensitive as possible. But you can’t control how she feels about it, and you won’t make things any easier for her by announcing before you actually want to. The most you can do is try to understand and respect how she feels, whenever you end up sharing the news.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I feel like my husband’s family is penalizing me for my good household management skills. My husband and I had a baby around the same time that my sister-in-law did (our kid is now 3, hers is 4), and the difference in familial support has been notable. My in-laws live about the same distance from both of us, but regularly drive to spend weeks/weekends/random afternoons helping SIL because “she is just so swamped; you wouldn’t believe it.” I would believe it, because we both work full-time in similar fields and our husbands travel weekdays for work. The difference is that my house is usually pretty clean while hers is not, I plan grocery deliveries ahead of time and she doesn’t, I keep up with laundry and she doesn’t, etc. I swear I’m not saying this to denigrate SIL, who I like a lot—I don’t give a rat’s ass whether her house is clean. But I’m tired of hearing my in-laws say, “You’re so organized, sweetie! We’d be over to help, but it’s clear you don’t need a thing! [SIL]’s house would fall apart if we didn’t come cook for her!” I am exhausted all of the time and would love for someone to cook for me, but when I’ve tried to convey this, my in-laws laugh like I’m joking. Do I need to visibly fall apart to get support? I feel like I’m drowning and my own parents live 2,000 miles away.
—I Still Need Help
Dear I Still Need Help,
I’m not sure what “I’ve tried to convey this” means, but it sounds like maybe you’ve said, “Hey, I’d love some help, too!” or dropped other similar hints, and your in-laws haven’t volunteered anything. While a direct ask doesn’t guarantee they’ll pitch in, it’s a much better bet. People often miss hints and fail to see all but the most glaring of needs—it’s harder to dodge a straight yes-or-no request.
Make a mental list of tasks you really want some help with. The next time you’re feeling overwhelmed, call your in-laws and tell them the truth: You’re solo parenting, exhausted, and struggling to get everything done. Then make a specific ask: “Can you please bring dinner tomorrow night?” “Can you come help with the baby’s bath/bedtime?” “Can you watch the baby while I run an errand?” If they can’t or don’t want to help, they’ll refuse, but even in that case they may understand your situation a little better. If you keep asking for help in specific ways, they should eventually get the message.
I expect you’ve already heard this, but I’ll also add that you can and should cut yourself all kinds of slack when you’re parenting alone! Keeping it together can look like a clean and organized house, sure, but it can also look like a good-enough house and eight hours of sleep. Whether your in-laws start helping more or not, do whatever you need to do to avoid drowning, get some actual rest, and take care of yourself.
—Nicole
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