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Dear How to Do It,
I’m a cis female in my late 40s, and I primarily identify as lesbian. My question is regarding edging. I’ve tried it purposefully many times on my own as well as with partners. I’ve been interrupted at precisely the wrong moment solo and with partners. I will allow myself to get to the tipping point and then refrain from completion—either by choice or circumstance. In both instances though, when it’s “go time,” if I’m an even able to achieve an orgasm at all within then next seven to 14 days, it is weak and unsatisfying. It seems to be the complete opposite of what others have described to me. Am I doing it wrong?
—Waiting for the Big One
Dear Waiting for the Big One,
Everyone’s body is different, and, along with that, so is everyone’s sexual response. Some people love vibration, others love penetration. Some like to have as many quick and easy orgasms as they can in a row, while others adore edging. Not every sex tip we hear of is going to work for us.
It seems like your body just doesn’t take to edging well, and that’s fine. You might experiment with the opposite—having as many orgasms in a session as you possibly can. For some people, each orgasm has an escalating intensity and duration. Personally, I’m curious about what lies on the other side of that post-edging “weak and unsatisfying” orgasm. Is another one possible? What is that one like?
Outside of violating other people’s consent, there’s no such thing as doing it wrong in sex, only doing it in a less-than-ideal way for your own particular body. Experiment, see what else might work better, and enjoy the process whether you’re solo or with a partner.
Dear How to Do It,
My wife left me after 27 years together. I was 25 when we met and now I’m 52. She was my first lesbian relationship. I have a high sex drive and my wife had none at all. Due to various issues she had, she cut off sex about 15 years ago. I had resigned myself to not having sex again but here I am at 52 and excited about having a sex life again. My problem is that although I have the enthusiasm, I have a serious lack of experience that people my age are not expecting. How do I approach this with a new female sex partner? I am not interested in casual sex, I’m more of a relationship person. And am I supposed to shave down there?
—Older But Not Quite Wiser
Dear Older But Not Quite Wiser,
Shaving is a personal preference for both the haver and the viewer of the pubic area in question. Sure, you’ll find some people out there who believe their preference should be law, but mostly, people are flexible. For instance, my current partner prefers clean shaven aside from a tuft at the top, and I prefer not to have razor burn. So we mostly settle on a close buzz with a groomed tuft. You might also find yourself with lovers who prefer longer. These negotiations (like with many other specifics) involve finding out the reasons behind people’s preferences, looking at where both of your preferences overlap, and compromising.
As for how to approach the rust you’ve picked up in the past decade-plus, well, many people your age are in the same position. Some have never had sex at all, others have never had sex with another woman, and still more haven’t had sex in a long time during the lead up to their divorce.
Remember that no matter how much sex we’re having and with how many different partners, we all start from square one when we’re with someone new for the first time. Let your potential partner know how you’re feeling (anxiety? apprehension?) and a bit about why. Don’t go into the gritty details of your last relationship, but do let them know that it’s been a while and so you’re feeling some feels about it. This can serve a secondary purpose of sussing out how gentle and understanding they are about these sorts of things. If they’re game, focus on connection and enjoyment, and stay as present in the moment as you possibly can. If you’re finding yourself fighting intrusive thoughts, self-criticism, or censorship, imagine those thoughts being blown away by a gentle breeze and turn your mind back to the present. And know that you may have to repeat that process multiple times, so be understanding and gentle with yourself.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’m 30-plus years into my marriage and we are still deeply in love. We stop to kiss every time we pass in the hallway. We’re best friends. The sad part is that I have not an orgasm in SO LONG—probably decades. I used to be a very enthusiastic lover with memorably fantastic orgasms. It’s a great sorrow to me that this part of my life is over. But my husband still loves to have sex and I love to make him happy. The problem is that he’s sort of given up on even trying to make me come, which hurts my feelings. I think he’s forgotten where my clitoris even is! He just fiddles around down there with his fingers for a few minutes, which feels unpleasant (at best). So sex is basically a 20 minute exercise in getting him off. I know it seems like a lost cause to him to try to please me, but I wish he would still try.
It hurts his feelings when I don’t want to have sex and I’m embarrassed to tell him why. It feels like insulting his lovemaking when it’s really more about my body than it is about his lack of skill or effort. What’s more, intercourse used to just be kind of neutral but now it hurts. I think maybe my cervix has shifted over time or something because it feels like it’s being hammered and bruised every time. I feel like I’m stuck with this situation forever. My husband sometimes says things like, “Life is so short, let’s make love as much as we can!” And it makes me very sad that the future does not look especially bright sexually for me. I don’t know how to wrap my head around this. Where do I go from here?
—Can I Come With You, Dear?
Dear Can I Come With You,
I urge you to see a gynecologist to discuss the pain you’re experiencing during sex and your concerns about whether your cervix may have shifted. These are issues that may have solutions, and there’s no need to suffer in silence when there may be a fix available. If your first gynecologist doesn’t take you seriously, try a second and even third if need be.
Meanwhile, you aren’t talking with your husband about where you’re at. Of course he’s lost—he’s feeling around entirely in the dark. Maybe you’ll feel more comfortable after you have some information from your medical team, but it’s also worth letting him know now that you realize you aren’t showing up in sexual encounters the way you used to and you believe it’s something to do with the way your body has changed with age. You might mention that you’d wish he’d focus on your pleasure more, too. If you’re worried about clamming up or saying the wrong thing, write out what you want to say beforehand and read it directly from the paper.
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Dear How to Do It,
I am a cis woman married to a cis man. We have two children (5 and 3) who are increasingly exploring areas of our home which I would rather they not. I like to use vibrators for both sex and masturbation. Currently, they are in a makeup bag in a dresser drawer next to the bed (easily accessible while in the act). Any ideas on a storage solution that is more secure from small explorers but still easily accessible to adults in the moment?
—Hidden Treasures
Dear Hidden Treasures,
Any kind of locking box or bag should be sufficient. The kinds of locks that have three digit codes and scrolling wheels are better than ones with keys, as a key can be misplaced or often end up being stored right next to the box, which can kind of defeat the purpose. You can also go ahead and start explaining privacy and consent at an age-appropriate level (a search for some examples might give you some starting points)—useful for keeping curious kiddos out of your stuff, and also for helping them develop the foundation that an understanding of sexual consent is built on.
—Jessica
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