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- I was kicked out of my house as a teen and changed my last name to separate from my family.
- When I met my ex-partner, I changed my last name again so that we felt like a family.
- Now that we are divorced, I’m changing my name again to take back my identity.
Just weeks after my ex-partner walked out on our marriage, I was meeting with my attorney. She told me I had the option of going back to my old last name as part of my divorce.
I was so overwhelmed at the time that I didn’t know how to answer. I asked her if I needed to decide right then, and she told me, “No, but soon.”
Choosing to change my last name was both a personal and professional dilemma. I didn’t want to have anything to do with my ex-partner ever again, but professionally, I couldn’t ignore that I’m the author of a dozen books in print. I’ve toured across the US, Canada, and Europe, teaching workshops under a well-known name in certain subpopulations.
Could I just change my name when it’s already associated with my brand? But also, could I live with myself if I didn’t?
“I want to take my name back,” I finally told my attorney a month later.
I first changed my last name as a teen
As a homeless queer teenager in the early 2000s, picking a new name was something of a rite of passage.
I wanted something meaningful to me, and I found the name in the “Encyclopedia of Dog Breeds” I’d carried around with me since I was a little kid. Patterdales are a small, somewhat rare, scrappy breed of terrier. Before being kicked out, I trained and competed in dog sports. So, at 18, I selected “Patterdale” as my last name.
My name signified that I was claiming a new life for myself. It also signified that I had survived and escaped the family that raised me. It also represented the separation of ties from my biological family.
My name change was the start of my new life — one I was building on my own.
But I then decided to take my ex-partner’s name
My ex-partner and I got together before gay marriage was even legal. In the early 2000s, I didn’t think that marriage was ever going to be part of our future. When my ex and I got serious in our relationship, I decided to change my last name as a symbol of our relationship.
It wasn’t an easy decision. Changing my last name to my partner’s meant giving up the name I had chosen for myself.
But at 20, I wanted us to be seen as a family. It also felt like an act of queer resistance, a subversive choice in the face of a world that didn’t recognize our relationship as legally existing or legitimate.
Honestly, I never liked my partner’s last name and disliked that it connected me to my ex’s larger family — many of whom I didn’t share values with. But I did it to be closer to my partner.
I’m now taking back my identity
In the month and a half since my divorce was finalized, I have spent hours on the phone, standing in line at the DMV, and emailing copies of my divorce judgment. It isn’t fun, but the frustration is worth it because I have taken back the name I had chosen for myself at 18.
I’m now 40 and an author. I was originally worried about my branding and about my readers not being able to find me, but I’ve had a lot of support from my readers. Admittedly, having a memorable first name has probably helped.
Through all of this, I realized that a last name culturally symbolizes who your people are. To have chosen my own last name feels accurate. I have an amazing community and chosen family, but it’s something I’ve had to build on my own. Each time I see my “new” old name, I feel myself growing more confident and comfortable in the life that I am building — instead of living in the shadow of an old relationship.
