For Gen Zers tired of dating, applications for lavender marriages are open

• Some young people are considering a “lavender marriage” over a traditional relationship.
• Lavender marriages historically helped conceal sexual orientation, but Gen Zers are redefining it.
• The trend, which could offer stability, reflects a tough dating scene and high costs of living.

For many young people right now, the dating scene is rough, their families are far away, and housing is expensive.

To share the load, some are opening up applications for “lavender marriages” — something that was once the preserve of the LGBTQ+ community.

The term was originally coined in the early 20th to describe a union between a man and a woman in which one or both partners are homosexual or bisexual.

It was meant to provide a facade for those who wanted to hide their sexuality from wider society.

But lavender marriages have made a resurgence on social media in recent months among Gen Zers who are tired of being broke, single, and lonely.

Some videos with the hashtag #lavendermarriage on TikTok have amassed millions of views on the platform.

Robbie Scott, a TikToker and musician with 300,000 followers, recently posted a video asking for “applications for a lavender marriage” because he wanted to live with someone so he could afford mortgage payments, utilities, and taxes.

“You can mess around with whoever you want, whenever you want, I don’t care,” he said in the video, which has received more than five million views. “In fact, I encourage it. Have fun. Live your best life.”

A modern-day lavender marriage

Traditionally, a lavender marriage was just that — a legally binding marriage.

Edward Reese, a gender and sexuality expert at the LGBTQ+ dating app Taimi, told Business Insider that this can still be true. It can bring benefits such as inheritance rights, childcare, tax breaks, better mortgage rates, and primary care if one of you gets ill.

“People can do it in case one or both partners don’t have family or have gone no contact, and their lavender spouse becomes not only their best friend but a legal family member,” he said.

But the modern version of a lavender marriage could also simply be a spoken agreement between two people to live their lives like a married couple, without the sex.

This is different from having a roommate, Reese added, who can move out of a shared household any minute, whenever they choose.

“The couple in the lavender marriage is expected to get through all the conflicts, discuss and compromise,” he said. “It’s a union with commitment, love, and loyalty, and all of these can be not romantic.”

Christine DeVore, a licensed clinical psychologist who is the director of adult and couples services at Birch Psychology, told BI that a lavender marriage offers a practical solution to some of life’s burdens.

“It’s a way to ease financial stress while still being independent,” she said.

While somewhat tongue-in-cheek, Scott’s video on TikTok prompted other Gen Zers to share their thoughts. They said lavender marriages were “looking more appealing by the day” and that the agreement might be what they “really need.”

Several older viewers commented, saying they had given lavender marriages a try and were happier than ever.

Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and sexual health expert who writes for the sex-positive magazine Passionerad, added that there are many other benefits to a lavender marriage, including physical touch and comfort.

She said benefits can include “cuddling in front of a TV show or when reading a book, sleeping together, and providing physical support and safety when needed.”

“Just as in every marriage, you feel safe with the person,” Roos added. “Even though no attraction is involved, you can gain much more from being physically close to your lavender married partner than being close to a friend or to a one-night stand.”

A deeper issue

It’s unclear exactly how many lavender marriages are taking place, and to what extent the conversations on TikTok reflect a wider trend. But they do hint at more serious societal issues.

Dating is still big business. Dating companies generated more than $5 billion in 2023 alone. Match Group generated annual revenues of more than $3.4 billion, while Bumble had revenues of $1.1 billion last year.

But growth appears to be slowing. Match Group’s paying users fell by around 6% in the first quarter of the year. It is now valued at $9.51 billion, down from $50 billion in 2021. Meanwhile, Bumble’s value has fallen by around 90% since it went public in 2021. It is now worth around $822 million.

That may be because Gen Zers are turning away from dating apps, with some thinking the apps now miss the point of what made them fun in the first place — going after profits rather than real connections.

Others are tired of modern dating culture, with ghosting, catfishing, and some prospective partners not showing up to dates at all.

One creator, Cleopatra, who is 23, told BI that what really appealed to her is the community aspect, where women can live without fear of being hurt or abused.

“I think the majority want change,” Cleopatra said. “This patriarchal lifestyle, these gender roles, are becoming exhausting, to say the least.”

“The dating pool is certainly full of shit,” she added.

She said the financial stability the arrangement could offer was also definitely a draw, particularly given Zoomers have more debt and are paying more for housing than millennials did a decade ago.

According to a recent Washington Post analysis of Bureau of Labor Statistics data, Gen Z is spending 31% more on housing costs compared to what millennials paid 10 years ago, a figure which also factors in inflation.

The Post analysis said that car insurance costs increased more than twofold for Americans aged 16 to 24 between 2012 and 2022, and health insurance costs spiked 46% for this group during the same time span.

That has led some to consider “inflationships” — living in the same room, in the same bed, without having sex. Lavender marriages could just be furthering this trend.

Boundaries are important

For young people who are reconsidering how to approach relationships, a lavender marriage “can be a great replacement,” Reese said. People are more commonly discovering they are aromantic or asexual, he added, which questions the pop culture norm of focusing on straight sex and love for so long.

There are challenges, however. DeVore and Roos warned that emotional complexities can arise from such entanglements, and open communication about boundaries and feelings is vital for it to work.

For example, the rules of a lavender marriage may be vague, meaning there could be the potential for upset down the line. Partners may disagree on what is allowed outside the relationship and what isn’t and have different ideas of what defines cheating.

Roos said this is when lavender marriages can show their weak side, triggering feelings of jealousy and sadness if one partner starts feeling left out.

The arrangement may also not suit both people forever, such as if one decides to pursue a romantic relationship.

“What felt OK when talking things through before, or at the beginning, of the marriage, might therefore, later on not feel OK at all,” Roos said.

Ultimately, she said challenges and conflicts can arise even in the most committed partnerships, DeVore said.

“While a lavender marriage may offer certain advantages, it does not guarantee a lifetime of happiness and fulfillment,” she said.

“It’s important to remember that no relationship, including a lavender marriage, is immune to heartache.”