This is part of Advice Week: Friendship Edition. We’ll help you make friends, leave them—and even sleep with them.
How do you tell your friend that their kid rudely insulted yours? Or you break it to the parents in your inner circle that you’d prefer to keep your upcoming birthday celebration adults-only? Finding the right phrasing—especially when it involves the kids and parents in your life—can be a tough balancing act.
So we asked Care and Feeding columnist Allison Price to give you the script for bringing up a few common but tricky subjects with your parent friends—because every now and then you just need help figuring out how to say what’s on your mind.
You Want to Host an Adults-Only Event
Hosting an adults-only event isn’t necessarily a deal-breaker for your parent friends. Many of us are just as eager for child-free evenings as we are for family adventures. The biggest obstacle would be ensuring that your parent friends have child care, which means giving them either plenty of advance notice or even inviting them to help pick the event date. It could look something like this:
“Hey, I want to organize a group outing to that new comedy club three weeks from now. Would you guys be interested in joining?” Or, “Hey, I want to organize a group outing to that new comedy club sometime in the next month or two. If you’re interested, is there a particular night or weekend that would work best for you?”
I also think it’s important for non-parenting friends to remember that their parenting friends have a lot on their plates, and it’s not just the in-home responsibilities of childrearing like baths, bedtimes, and meals. There are extracurriculars, teacher conferences, PTO meetings, playdates, and school projects, to name a few. The calendar is as overstuffed as the average parenting brain. The more grace you can give when it comes to social engagements, the better. My child-free-by-choice friend literally said to me yesterday, when I apologized for not seeing him more this summer, “You do not have to apologize to me. I’ve known you since we were 14 and our friendship can withstand this really busy period of your life. I will always invite you out and ask you about making plans, but I know you’ll say yes less than half the time and that is OK. I will never take it personally, so you should never feel guilty.” Give that man a medal. And if any of you out there would like to steal that script and deliver it to your parenting friends, you have my hearty endorsement.
Finally, if you are talking about a wedding or something of similar magnitude, it’s generally good practice to follow these rules of thumb:
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Never exclude just one kid/family.
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Make sure there is a clear categorical reason why some kids are invited or not (only blood relations, only niblings, only the wedding party, etc.). Only inviting the kids you know best isn’t a good reason.
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Tell all parents up front so that there are no surprises or hurt feelings.
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If parents decline to attend your wedding because they don’t have child care or don’t want to leave their kids, be gracious and understanding, as they will hopefully be to you.
You Need Support as a New Parent
This is one of the most important habits that parents can learn, but it’s also the hardest. No one likes to feel like they are inconveniencing others, and sometimes it really stings to feel like you look like you don’t have your act together. In those moments, remind yourself of this fact every time: No one has their act together 24/7, and everyone will need help at some point.
I have found that the best way to ask for support is to be clear with the stakes and what you need:
“I know you’re busy, and it’s OK to say no, but I could really use a hand this weekend with the kids so that I can get some errands done. Any chance I can foist some kids on you? I’ll bribe you with ice cream!”
“I am sorry to ask, but I’m in a really desperate situation. Could you pick up my kids after school on Friday? I know it’s inconvenient, but something came up at work that I cannot miss without major consequences.”
“Hey, I’m going to be vulnerable here: I am really struggling with this phase of parenting right now, and I feel like if I don’t get some friend time, I might lose it. Do you have any time today or tomorrow for a phone call where I can just vent or cry?”
Your Friend’s Child Did Something Rude to Your Kid
The route to take here depends entirely on how good a friend you are, but also on whether you’re in the room where it happens, so to speak. I subscribe to the belief that if you’re witness to any behavior that is commonly considered rude, it’s always OK to say something. For example:
“Hey Janie, I think Timmy had that toy first, could you please give it back? Timmy, when you’re done, let Janie have a turn.”
“Guys, we aren’t going to call each other names. I don’t think your parents would appreciate that behavior and neither do I. If I hear it again, your mom and I are going to discuss things.”
If your friend doesn’t subscribe to my school of thought and gets mad at you for interfering, then simply apologize and file that data point away for future hangouts.
When you aren’t in the room, and you merely hear about the behavior later, it gets trickier. Consider whether this is something that needs to be addressed before you decide to say something. After all, sometimes kids are just plain going to be rude to each other (grownups too, for that matter), and there isn’t any real justice to be served by calling them out on it after the fact. This kind of rudeness is best addressed in the car on the way home, asking your kid what happened and how they felt about it, and devising strategies for handling it next time.
If the situation is significant enough that you need to talk to your friend, keep a growth mindset in mind. That is, just because a kid acts rude in a moment doesn’t mean they are rude overall. Anything you share should reflect your understanding that this is simply a moment in time as that child is growing and learning.
“I wanted to talk to you about something Sadie said on the drive home. She mentioned that Drew repeatedly called her stupid and ugly when they were playing tag. I know Drew is a good kid, so this struck me as unusual behavior and I figured you might want to know about it.”
“Hey friend, Connor filled me in on some stuff that happened with him and Becca during the party last night, and it sounds like Becca may have been ostracizing Connor from the group. Could we chat about what I heard and what you may have heard? It might just be kids being kids but I just want to be sure something bigger isn’t going on.”
Your Friend’s Child Probably Isn’t a Prodigy (And You Can’t Keep Hearing About It)
Don’t. Honestly, what good comes of this? Let the universe teach this lesson to your friend, if they will be accepting of it. That’s not to say you have to listen to insufferable brag sessions. A noncommittal phrase and a change of subject can do quite nicely. Try the following:
[The twins are obviously the smartest in their grade, everyone says so.]
“I’m happy for them. How is your wife’s job these days?”
[I can’t get over how well Jimmy plays baseball. I really feel like he has so much natural talent, and his dad and I want to encourage it so he can go to college on scholarship.]
“Good luck!” Or “Good for him, I hope he continues to love the sport.”
Now, if your friend is so persistent with their boasting that they are ceasing to speak on anything else, or they demonstrate no curiosity about your life, your children’s accomplishments, or (worst-case) their other kids’ unique strengths, then you have to decide whether to say something. As in most other situations, I recommend grace and vulnerability:
“Debbie, I love that you’re so proud of Tyler, it’s awesome to see. But I want to be honest with you: Sometimes I feel like his accomplishments take up a large portion of our conversation, and even though I’m interested in him, I want to hear about the rest of your life, too.”
“Hey Jason, can I ask you a question? I don’t want to offend you, and I think you know how much I love Frankie and watching her grow up, but do you think you’re in a good headspace about her gymnastics? I’m not saying she’s not talented, but it’s starting to become the only thing you’re talking about these days, so as your friend, I feel like I want to send up a warning flare. I’m worried you or Frankie may start to feel too much pressure about all this. What do you think?”
—Allison
More Advice From Slate
My daughter “Jenna” is 10 and has been close with the same group of four other girls since kindergarten. All five families live in roughly a 10-minute radius, and the girls love playing with each other outside after school, spending time together on the weekends, and even joining the same sports teams. The problem is (of course) with the adults. One of the girls has a mom, “Barbara,” who is extremely concerned about protecting her daughter from any sort of conflict or negativity in the friend group …
