Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Ashley C. Ford is filling in as Prudie for Jenée Desmond-Harris while she’s on parental leave. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
I’m a woman who has never had much interest in babies or children. I don’t dislike them, but I’ve never had any real interest in being around them. The religious and social culture I was raised in led me to assume I would have children eventually, and I was frequently assured that once I had children of my own I would love them more than I could ever understand. My husband wanted children, and I agreed because, as I said, I had always just assumed that parenthood was part of adulthood.
For me, motherhood was a rewarding obligation, but I was never a joyful mother of children. I loved my young children, but they were not the end-all-be-all of my existence, as seems to be the case with most of the mothers I know. In fact, I can honestly say I was a better mother once I got a part-time job and could look forward to spending part of every day away from them. Our children are all grown now, and I absolutely love this empty nest phase. My husband is my best friend, and I love spending my time with him doing the things we enjoy together. We share a home office for our remote jobs, share hobbies, and travel together as much as possible. This has been the best and happiest stage of my life so far.
We are also grandparents. My husband is completely content with being distant, uninvolved grandparents who pop in now and then to drop off a gift but don’t keep up to date on the grandchildren’s day-to-day lives. Honestly, that’s how I prefer it too, but feeling this way is eating me up with guilt. All the other grandmothers I know cherish and adore their grandchildren and want to spend as much time with them as possible. I keep seeing articles about how much children benefit from a close relationship with their grandparents, and how harmful it is to them to not have that. Is there something wrong with me that I don’t want to be an involved grandmother? Am I completely selfish?
—Uninterested Grandmother
Dear Uninterested Grandmother,
You’re not selfish, you’re just done making certain kinds of sacrifices. There’s nothing wrong with that. I understand that you may not have desired children the way some people do, but take a lesson from your husband, and acknowledge that you’ve done your duty in the phase of your parenting where your children needed you most. Accept it and take pride in your efforts. It doesn’t seem like your children are complaining, so leave the guilt behind you, and luxuriate in this part of your life.
How to Get Advice From Prudie
Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.)
Dear Prudence,
I had two abortions in between the births of our two girls. One was when my husband was out of work and we were living paycheck to paycheck and we couldn’t afford for me to miss work. The other was a wanted pregnancy but the fetus was not viable. My husband and I are Democrats but unfortunately live in a wackadoodle red state.
Our girls are exposed daily to people who think bodily autonomy applies to corpses and not living women. I find myself unable to find the correct words to talk to my girls about my abortions. I am not ashamed and I don’t want them to think it was some kind of dirty secret; that abortion is natural, normal, and nothing to be ashamed about. But I can’t find the right words. Can you help me?
—Talk About It
Dear Talk About It,
“One of the beautiful things about a body like mine is that it has the capability to make and carry a fetus that could become a baby. Another beautiful thing is my ability to know or feel that my life or my body isn’t ready, or doesn’t want a baby right now, or for some, ever. I am so lucky to have choices about how I exist in the world, and to trust my mind, body, and heart to work together to make the right choices for me. I want you two to have all the same choices, even when others want to take them away. I want you to respect and fight for those choices. I want you to live whatever kind of beautiful lives you want to make for yourselves.”
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Dear Prudence,
I share a one-bedroom apartment with my sister. I sleep in the living room. It worked out until she started dating “Nina.” Nina is over at our place at all hours of the day and night and has zero respect for anyone. I work the morning shift and need my beauty sleep. Nina thinks nothing of turning on the TV after I have gone to bed to watch a movie or turning on the kitchen lights and banging around to make herself a midnight snack. I am a light sleeper while my sister sleeps like the dead. Nina and I have had it out several times over her behavior to the point of our neighbors making noise complaints to our landlord. I told my sister that we either had to switch rooms or Nina couldn’t come over anymore. My sister told me I was being unfair and that my early shifts would wake her up as I would need to eat and make coffee before I left. I told her tough luck. Her sex life is not more important than my sleep schedule. We keep fighting about it. I can’t afford a place on my own and we have six months left on the lease. I might engage in some sorocide before then. Help!
—Sleepless
Dear Sleepless,
Don’t kill your sister. Or her lover. Or anyone else But here’s something you can do: Tell your sister you want to make a daily schedule that allows you both to live peacefully together in this space until one or both of you can make arrangements to live elsewhere. I promise you, this is the best way. It’s clear you don’t share space as well as you once did or hoped to, and that’s OK! Sisters can love each other very much, even when they’re at each other’s throats, and just not make great roommates.
This isn’t to say that either of you couldn’t be a perfect roommate for someone else. We tend to test boundaries with our siblings more than people who aren’t closely related to us. As the oldest of four, trust me, I know. And I also know this: Your relationship with your siblings can wrap a beautiful, precious thread around your entire life, if you protect it with boundaries and love. You don’t want to kill your sister. You want to spend the rest of your lives witnessing each other.
Dear Prudence,
I’m having trouble communicating with my mom and I’m not sure what to do. I had to move in with her after I lost my job due to a debilitating chronic illness. One of my doctors thinks that I don’t have all of my diagnoses yet, but is at a loss for how to find the others. The ones I do have diagnoses for are not generally recognized as debilitating by the government so I’ve been denied Social Security. I’m finding ways to get by, but I will never be able to support myself on this income if I have to move out. My mom, however, does not take my symptoms seriously.
My mom is a clean freak and I used to be too, but I just don’t have the energy anymore to clean. My mom always makes comments about it. She makes comments about almost everything I do in the public areas of the house. Mostly they are just really annoying but sometimes they are borderline ableist. Either way, my mom is just always noting how I’m either doing things or not doing things in a way that she approves. She was never like this when I was younger! The big problem is, though, that she gets really defensive when I tell her how I feel about her behavior. This is definitely a family trait, on both my parents’ sides. I know because I have it too. It’s like a need to be right. If any of us bring up something unexpected, anything ranging from wanting to reorganize a kitchen cabinet to trying to set a boundary about talking about my chronic illness, the other person will either get dismissive or defensive, which usually leads to an argument.
I really need my mom to hear me about boundaries related to my chronic illness. Sometimes we will absolutely accept what the other person says but it will take days. Since I’ve gotten sick, I find it much harder to regulate my stress levels and the fights we have are just escalating to a point where I can’t even think straight, let alone make a decent argument about why I should be treated with a decent amount of respect. Even if I could find myself another cheap place to live (which is unlikely), I literally have no money for another move right now. I need your help figuring out how to talk to someone who is just too stubborn to have a basic conversation with. What can I do?
—Chronic Miscommunication
Dear Chronic Miscommunication,
Tell your mom that you don’t want to fight with her, and that you want to find a way to enjoy living together. The truth is, for now at least, you’re bound together, and there will have to be flexibility to assure you’re not both living inside a screaming match. Maybe you could come up with three “chore schedules,” one for your best days, one for your usual days, and one for your worst days. There may be days when you can do nothing at all, and that should be addressed as well. These schedules should not be presented as to-do lists, but rather as goals aligned with daily self-assessment. Also, would it be possible, or even desirable, for you and your mother to have a daily check-in about where you are and how you’re feeling before she can offer her thoughts? Maybe over coffee in the morning, or a text right after you wake up and self-assess your capabilities for the day? This is just one option. Keep exploring. I’m sorry your illness has been compounded by a stressful living situation, and I wish you swift and long-lasting relief in that regard.
Dear Prudence,
I’m 19 and in college, and I’m incapable of making friends. I’ve done everything right. I join clubs and activities, I talk to people, I initiate conversations with a lot of people, and I smile. But whenever I sit at a table, people leave. Whenever I ask a question, I’m either ignored or get a short answer and no follow-up. Nobody has initiated any form of contact with me beyond, “Can you get the door?” and “On your left.” It’s a large school, and I see hundreds of kids a day. How is it that they all avoid me like the plague? Is it something I’m doing or not doing? How do I get people to talk to me instead of acting like I’m some kind of untouchable disease?
—Quite Possibly a Loser
Dear Possibly,
These reactions to your, seemingly benign, presence seem kind of extreme for general interactions. Are these people in spaces you want to be in, engaged in activities you want to participate in? I’ve always found it easiest to make or find friends by doing the things I’m interested in and connecting with those I frequently encounter in those same spaces, sharing those same interests. You’re 19 and in college—did you just start your first semester? You might need to give it some time, it can take a few weeks of showing up to that club you joined before you truly connect with someone.
If it isn’t some strange form of bullying on their end, it’s possible you find yourself attempting to infiltrate spaces that are interest-exclusive in a way you haven’t yet realized. Basically, anybody who treats you like that, right upon meeting you, isn’t a person you want to be friends with. If you’re looking for your people, they’re looking for you, too. And they’re probably doing, reading, making, or learning something you already know you enjoy.
—Ashley
Classic Prudie
I am an educated, middle-class, single woman with a stable job. I recently earned a promotion that came with a raise that made it possible for me to do what I have always wanted: adopt a child. However, when I asked my father and eldest sister to write me letters of recommendation for the adoption process, they both said no. My dad told me that he didn’t believe that single parents could both parent and hold jobs, and he basically insinuated I’d lose my job and be financially ruined because of my terrible choices. What am I supposed to do?
