This is part of Advice Week: Friendship Edition. We’ll help you make friends, leave them—and even sleep with them.
How do you tell a friend that they didn’t make it to the shortlist for your wedding party? Or that actually, you hate how they travel and won’t be joining their two-week survey of all that European hostels have to offer? Sometimes it’s hard to find the right words.
So we asked Prudie to give you the script for bringing up a few common but tricky subjects with friends—because every now and then you just need help figuring out how to say what’s on your mind.
Your Friend Doesn’t Have a Plus-One at Your Wedding
You should go overboard in acknowledging how annoyed and undervalued guests can feel when they aren’t allowed a plus-one, while simultaneously offering a reminder of the bride and groom’s perspective: This is expensive, and there are a lot of factors at play. Expressing some regret and self-consciousness about all of this will soften the blow.
“So, you know wedding planning has been a pain in the ass in a lot of ways so far. We’re currently trying to figure out how our budget [or the venue, take your pick] can accommodate everyone we want to be there, and it’s harder than I thought it would be. After negotiating everything with [fiancé, mother-in-law, or whoever] it looks like we’re not going to give you a plus-one. [Insert an explanation of why. Is it that only married people got a plus-one, nobody did, or that you limited them to people you knew personally?] I feel bad about this and I realize it’s asking a lot of you to show up without a date (assuming you still want to come). So if you have any requests for who you’d like to share a table with or if there’s anything I can do to make it better, please let me know! I’m definitely feeling like a bit of a bridezilla/groomzilla so thanks for understanding.”
This, of course, only applies to people who care about how their guests feel and not people whose position is “If you don’t like it, don’t come!” The latter can simply send the invitation with the relevant information—no explanation needed.
You Don’t Want to Be Roommates
The theme here is “It’s not you, it’s me” even if that’s an outright lie.
“I love the friendship we have and I honestly think I might mess it up by being annoying in some way if we are roommates. I can be hard to live with, and having tension with you over something like the hair I leave on the shower wall would kill me. Also, I like that if we get our own places and end up hating our roommates, we can always escape to visit each other.”
You Don’t Want to Join Their Vacation
“I have to pass on this one—it’s just not a good time for me/it’s too expensive/I’ve accepted that I don’t like traveling with groups/I’ve come to terms with the fact that I hate sand/I’m more of a beach person and hiking all day sounds exhausting to me. But can we do dinner when you get back so I can hear all about it?”
They Didn’t Make the Wedding Party
Try showing some humility by mentioning that being in a bridal party may or may not be everyone’s dream. But just in case it is important to this friend, dress it up with a short and sweet explanation of how the decision was made as well as a reminder about the value of the relationship.
“I’m not delusional enough to think you were dying to wear a dress you didn’t choose and get your makeup done at 5:30 a.m., so I hope I’m not being over-the-top by announcing this, but after much back-and-forth, we’ve decided to just have two people each [or our siblings, our very best friends who we see every week, or whatever the case may be] in the wedding party. Because I care about you so much, I did always imagine you standing up there with me, but the reality of wedding planning has really slapped me in the face and lots of things aren’t what I thought they would be. So I just wanted to give you the heads-up that you won’t have any special responsibilities, but it still means so much to me that you’re planning to be there.”
You Can’t Afford Something They Want to Do or Vice Versa
“I would love to, but it’s not in my budget. Please send pictures! And maybe I’ll be able to join you next time/next year.”
“I know this is pricey and I’m happy to cover your share if it’s not at the top of your list of things that you want to spend money on in this economy. I can afford it, and I know you’d do the same for me if the roles were reversed.”
You Want to Scale Back the Friendship
“Hey, I don’t want you to think I’m ghosting you or being a flake by not responding as much/not being able to hang out as much. Making time for everything on my plate has been a struggle lately so if it seems like I’m being a bit of a hermit, please don’t take it personally. I’m OK but I’m just needing more time to myself these days. I’ll definitely see you at the holiday party, but I might be MIA until then.”
You Want to Define the Friendship From the Very Beginning
“Yes, I would love to get coffee! That’s exactly the kind of thing I’m into. With all of us being stretched so thin these days, I hate that I’m not able to have the hang-out-all-the-time friendships I used to, but it’s so nice to meet someone who’s down for a spontaneous chat once in a while.”
You’re Concerned About a Pattern You’ve Noticed
“This may not be my business, and if you don’t want me to bring it up again, just say the word. But I noticed you [blacked out and spent the night in your car/ended up crying and getting kicked out of the bar after several rounds of drinks/sometimes aren’t yourself after finishing a bottle of wine] and I wouldn’t be a good friend if I didn’t let you know I’m worried about you. What do you think? Are you doing OK?”
—Jenée
Classic Prudie
I have had a good friend for many, many years who I met at work. During that time, I dated a few guys, ultimately married and had children (she was already married with children of her own). We no longer work together. When I met my now-husband, she and her husband were going through a rough patch. He said some mean things to her, she came to my house crying, and my husband heard the comments. They have since reconciled. I enjoy our Girls’ Nights with her, but she has always insisted on double dates (with my exes and now my husband). The problem is my husband cannot stand her husband, and I’m pretty sure the feeling is mutual.
