Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Ashley C. Ford is filling in as Prudie for Jenée Desmond-Harris while she’s on parental leave. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
My daughter “Serena,” who’s now 30, is in what could be a beautiful relationship with a man who adores her, yet all she can focus on is her disgust with the very idea of marriage. She says the thought of being a wife makes her feel “physically ill.” She talks about it like it’s some kind of prison sentence, as though the mere idea of compromise is an attack on her very soul. I feel like I’ve failed as a mother. How could I have raised such a bitter, destructive person?
I understand a bit about where this darkness is coming from. Her father and I had an ugly divorce resulting from his constant cheating, and her stepfather and I also had an ugly divorce when he became extremely emotionally abusive—but I tried as hard as I could to shield her from the worst of it. As a result of the trauma she experienced from witnessing my failed marriages, here she is, seeing the world through this lens of suspicion, always expecting betrayal. She clings to her bitterness like it’s armor, refusing to let herself be vulnerable to love, and it’s heartbreaking to watch. She doesn’t see that her boyfriend “Ian”—who, by the way, is “nothing” like the men she’s comparing him to—is doing everything in his power to be patient, to love her through her walls, but she won’t let him in.
I can’t even talk to her about it because she gets defensive, as if admitting that marriage isn’t some trap would mean giving up control. She always has to be in control, and I think she’s terrified of what might happen if she let someone take care of her for once. It’s like watching her build her own emotional fortress, brick by brick, shutting everyone out, and I just want to scream because she’s not protecting herself—she’s isolating herself.
And then there’s Ian. He’s such a warm, confident man, always trying to bring light into her life. He sees her strength and respects it, but I don’t know how long he can keep fighting for someone who doesn’t even believe in the possibility of joy. I can tell he’s growing weary, and I’m terrified that one day he’ll realize she’s just pushing him away, over and over, until he leaves. And then she’ll spiral even deeper into that toxic pit of resentment and blame, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to pull her out.
I’ve tried everything—talking, crying, begging her to see that love isn’t a weakness, that it’s not about submission or losing herself. But she’s so entrenched in her cynicism, so committed to being right, that she’s willing to sacrifice her own happiness just to avoid feeling vulnerable. How did we end up here? Is it too late for her to change, to let love in before she drives everyone away?
—Heartbroken and Helpless Mom
Dear Heartbroken,
Forgive me, but I’m having a hard time seeing what makes your daughter bitter? You say that you see destructiveness and unhappiness in her, but all I am able to see here is a 30-year-old woman who doesn’t want to get married and is dating a man who treats her well. Does he want to get married? Does it bother him that she doesn’t? Again, you say you can see him suffering, waiting for her, but I see no evidence of this perspective. Is it possible that you want your daughter to do what you would do if you were 30 and dating a man who treated you well? That’s understandable, but unfortunately, not entirely reasonable. Your daughter is a different person than you are, and has a much better idea of how to make herself happy than you do. She may be down on marriage, as more and more young women are, but it doesn’t seem that she eschews love in her life. She accepts it enough to attract and keep a man who loves her. As long as no one is being mistreated here, let her do her thing, and enjoy her life. Marriage isn’t a goal for everyone.
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Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I have been dating since freshman year of college (about 3.5 years). We both graduated last May and have been looking for work. I am currently doing an internship and working part-time. The other day, he told me that he accepted a job to teach English overseas. He was so excited about the prospect of traveling and seeing the world. When I asked him about us and our future together, he said that he’d only be gone for two years and that we’d be fine with the long-distance thing.
I am utterly heartbroken over this. He never talked to me or asked my opinion before taking this job. I am devastated that he’s just leaving me like this. I don’t know what to do. I know that if I throw down an ultimatum (i.e., “You can take this job or you can be with me, but you can’t have both”), he’ll resent me. But right now, I resent him! I’m so upset that he’s just abandoning me like this and throwing our relationship away.
I always thought that we would get married and have kids. I thought that was what he wanted. He’s claiming that we can get married and have kids when he comes back, but I don’t want to wait two whole years. And besides, when he comes back, he’ll have to find a job and establish himself over here.
I feel like I’m trapped. I feel like he is asking me to put my life on hold for him. I don’t know what to do. He’s told me numerous times that he loves me, but he didn’t even ask if I wanted to come along with him on his international adventure. He just expects me to sit and wait for him, and I don’t want to do that. I know that I can’t force him to stay because he’ll resent me, but if he leaves, I’ll resent him. Heck, I already resent him for taking this job without discussing it with me. What can I do?
—Abandoned
Dear Abandoned,
While I understand the frustration of feeling blindsided by your boyfriend’s decision to go on this adventure, I can’t say that I blame him for wanting to jump at the opportunity. Less than a year after college graduation, it can feel mandatory to stay on a specific track, meet every deadline, and chase every life goal at the same time. I’m not convinced that kind of pressure is what’s best for either of you. You may become resentful if he leaves, and he may become resentful if you give him an ultimatum to stay, and while neither option is a total win or loss, it could definitely become a serious crack in the foundation of what you’re trying to build together.
If the two of you have been together for 3.5 years, still love each other, and have plans for the future, it seems like you’re still young enough to get everything you want AND have some time to go on adventures. I think you should give the long-distance situation a try. I won’t say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I will say that it reveals the heart in ways expected and unexpected. You may find that being apart helps the two of you become closer, or it may show that the relationship was fading already. Either way, you can’t force it. You both have decisions to make about what’s best and what’s enough for you. Still, remember this quote from Dr. Maya Angelou, and think about what it means for you: “Love does not bind. It liberates.”
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Dear Prudence,
A friend (M50s) is visiting me (F50s) after years of living halfway across the country. We were thick as thieves during our 20s and 30s, and now, as middle-aged friends, we have fallen considerably out of the day-to-day we used to share when we lived in the same town.
Here’s the rub: I’ve gained a lot of weight. It got bad during the pandemic, and I haven’t been able to shake it. This friend is kind of like an older brother to me, teasing and all.
Prudie, I’m so ashamed. He’s come before to town, but I’ve found reasons to be unavailable. Now the jig is up and I can’t run away from it without causing suspicion or concern. This friend is so disciplined, I know he’s going to give me shit—possibly in front of my husband—and I will DIE. He’s coming in a few weeks, and I am absolutely dreading the teasing, lectures, or tension my appearance may cause. What do I do?
—Chunk Plus
Dear Chunk Plus,
Before your friend travels, and your anxiety worsens, I think you should call him. One of the cool things about being friends, especially long term, is giving each other gruff in a humorous way that’s enjoyable for all parties, and knowing how to accomplish that in the moment. There are few things like the gentle sting that comes from laughing together at the absurdity of ourselves and our little lives.
That’s how it should feel, anyway. But I hear that you’re worried that your friend’s teasing about your weight won’t feel fun. So call him. Call him and tell him that you’ve gained weight, you’re nervous about him seeing you, and though you love the dynamic that allows for teasing between you, the topic of your body will have to be off limits in order for you to enjoy yourself. Any good friend whom you want to spend time with should be able to hear and receive that. And you deserve a good friend. I hope he hears you.
Dear Prudence,
I own a 1-bedroom condo that I often sublease when I am out of the country. My half-sister got pregnant once in high school and again in college. She ended up dropping out and has been living with random relatives ever since. She and her mother fight like cats and dogs, so my sister and her kids never stay with our parents long.
I made the mistake of letting her and the kids move in for a month after my tenant left early. I came home to find my home completely trashed. Markers on the walls, stains on my couch, carpet and my mattress, missing dishes, and somehow broken tiles in my bathroom. My sister claimed that it was all the fault of my former tenant and refused to pay for any repairs (my tenant sent me pictures of them leaving the place in good condition). I ended up having to spend over $2,000 in order to get the place back up to snuff.
I was very vocal with my family and friends about my displeasure—so now that my sister is on the outs again with her mother, she blames me for no one wanting to take her and the kids in. I love my sister and her kids, but she has burnt every bridge she comes across and it is always someone else’s fault. Is there anything to do here?
—Big Mess
Dear Big Mess,
There is nothing left for you to do here. Your sister has already shown you how she runs a household in your space, and you did not like the result. I am all for second chances, but it seems this part of your family has been given several opportunities to show basic levels of gratitude in the wake of your generosity, and they have failed to do so at every turn. It also seems she has a difficult time taking responsibility for her actions, or actions taken by her children that cause others harm and distress. That isn’t the kind of person who changes because you want them to. It would smart to allow her to re-build a bridge in someone else’s home, and on someone else’s time, rather than yours.
Dear Prudence,
I have a friend who can be socially awkward in group situations. She means well and is a kind person, but she can rub people the wrong way and I struggle bringing her around my social circle. She wants to be included, but I don’t think she realizes how she comes off. She does not have a lot of friends, so I think it stems from insecurity; she overcompensates by talking a lot and will interject with a story (sometimes relevant, sometimes not) while a conversation is happening. I think it is her way of trying to connect to others, but the stories fall flat, she overshares personal information (health issues, family drama, money), and it’s nonstop throughout the course of the entire time we are together. She wants to be included in things, and often says she wants to be better friends with members of my social circle. My friends are gracious and will accept her coming time to time, but it’s also been made known to me her comments can be insensitive and insulting to them. And to be frank, she is just annoying at times with being overly chatty with her nonstop stories and not letting others finish their conversations. Is there a polite way to address her behavior? I feel awkward and uncomfortable when she is around.
—Awkward Friend
Dear Awkward Friend,
Be honest with your friend about how you feel. Let her know that you don’t want to embarrass her, and you want to remind her that you care about her, but then tell her that it makes you feel uncomfortable and upset to be interrupted. Tell her that sometimes you feel overwhelmed during your conversations, which is hard because you want to hear her and be able to take in what she’s saying, but you feel like there’s so much at a time that it’s hard to absorb. Let her know how you’re experiencing the friendship, and also that you want to remain friends. But only tell her those things if they’re true. If you find her friendship to be a bad fit for you and your life, then you need to be honest about that with her, and only her.
Dear Prudence,
My husband is the oldest of five and feels he needs to “take care” of his siblings since their dad died when they were young. I am sick of it. Particularly with the younger two, we spent thousands of dollars, hundreds of hours, and more stress than I like to think about cleaning up their messes—only for them to turn around to make more. His youngest brother has an attitude problem and refuses to shut his mouth. He has been fired from every job he has gotten and of course, none of it his fault. His youngest sister dropped out of high school thinking she could spend her life smoking weed and living off guys. She is 24 and her greatest accomplishment is not getting knocked up yet. Their mother and stepfather have washed their hands with both of them after my BIL got into a fistfight with a neighbor and threatened to go get a gun (third brush with the law) and my SIL got high while babysitting her nieces.
The pair of them blame the loss of their father for everything they screw up in their lives. My MIL worked two jobs to provide for the family and my husband started working at 13 to help out. I was raised by my grandmother because my parents were worthless. At some point, you have to deal with your damage instead of blaming everyone else. We just bought our first home. My BIL got fired again and has been sleeping in his car. My SIL got roughed up by her boyfriend and is staying with her sister who is in the process of moving overseas. They both are begging to move in with us and my husband is wavering.
I am this close to telling him if they move in that I move out and am looking for a lawyer. We’ve done this song and dance over and over. The pair of them promise to clean up their acts and proceed to trash our lives. We’ve already gone into debt over them and were nearly evicted from our old apartment over their actions. These aren’t a pair of kids. They are in their mid-twenties. My husband and I put off having kids and working on our own careers because we were constantly putting out fires. I love my husband, but I am at the end of my rope here. And the pair of them refuse to seek professional help. What do I do?
—Fed Up
Dear Fed Up,
This sounds stressful! You, your husband, and your marriage are shouldering an unbearable amount of responsibility, and while you mention that your husband’s siblings don’t want professional help, I would suggest it for the two of you. Your husband may be too deeply enmeshed with his family of origin to commit to cutting them off, but if he could commit to couples counseling, perhaps the two of you can figure out a way to see more of the other’s perspective, and get more of what you both want (including better boundaries with your in-laws). Your brother’s siblings have made their choices, and he won’t be able to save them all the time. But if you focus less on them and more on the relationship between the two of you, it might help you find a solution. Oh, and definitely don’t let them move in—that’s a non-starter.
—Ashley
Classic Prudie
I’m a woman who recently got engaged to my boyfriend of four years, “Mark.” In most areas of life, Mark is a kind, forgiving, considerate, and warm person. The exception is with regard to his blood relations. He is estranged from his family, and whenever he talks about them (rarely), it is with genuine hatred and contempt that I find disconcerting.
