This is part of Advice Week: Friendship Edition. We’ll help you make friends, leave them—and even sleep with them.
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Ashley C. Ford is filling in as Prudie for Jenée Desmond-Harris while she’s on parental leave. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
My friend very obviously stole something from me, lied about it, secretly returned it, and continues to perpetuate the lie. She was at my house to watch my dog while I was at an appointment several weeks ago, and then came over a few days after wearing said stolen garment (to drop something off, thinking I was on a work call, and not expecting to see me). When I pointed out that I owned the same garment, she got flustered and said she purchased it on a trip to California last year (admitting that it was the same brand of my now-missing article of clothing). A few days later, while I was packing for a trip, I noticed that the garment in question was definitely missing. I looked my house up and down, just so I could get the thought out of my head that she potentially stole from me, and when I mentioned to her that I was losing my mind because I was missing something, she said I must’ve just accidentally donated it.
I’ve since been avoiding contact with her, but she actually offered to buy me said garment when it popped up on sale a few weeks ago (“We’ve clearly got the same taste, maybe I’ll just buy you another one!”), and I finally told her, “Hey I haven’t seen that thing since the beginning of August” thinking she might finally confess. She just laughed and again referenced that I must’ve lost it. I came home a few days ago to the missing garment back in my dresser (the one I checked a half a dozen times before), clearly worn. Do I confront her about this? I don’t want to give her another chance to gaslight me, but I feel totally violated by this whole thing. I live in a small town where residents don’t typically lock their doors (but yes, I am now). She also house sits for several of my friends and I feel like I need to warn them, but don’t want to drag her name through the mud before at least talking to her about it.
—I Didn’t Donate It, Dammit!
Dear Donate,
So you have two options here:
-
You confront her about the allegedly stolen item, and wait for her to either confess or deny the allegations. If she confesses, you can decide whether that’s the beginning of re-building trust, or the ending of your friendship. If she denies it, and you feel that she’s being honest, let it go. But if her denial is unconvincing, make sure she knows she’s no longer welcome in your home. If anyone asks why, tell them they can ask her.
-
You chalk the whole thing up to odd behavior, stop asking her to housesit, and start locking your doors. Despite your feelings, and the circumstantial evidence gathered, you can’t prove she took the item, and that makes your position shaky. If you tell your friends about your suspicions, someone might mention it to her, and she may have proof of some kind that she did not take the item.
Don’t get me wrong, the whole thing sound fishy, and it’s hard for me to believe she didn’t take the item given your persuasive letter. However, accusing someone of theft, without proof, can be tricky business. If you can’t talk to your friend about your suspicions and allow her the opportunity to defend herself, you certainly can’t take your suspicions public and assume that you’ll come out of it without dirt on your nose.
How to Get Advice
Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!
Dear Prudence,
I am in my sophomore year of high school, and I still don’t have a friend group. To be honest, I haven’t had a friend group (or good friends, really) since 5th grade, before COVID happened. For a while, I was fine with it, and was fine with floating between groups, but now there is so much happening like homecoming, football games, parties and more. These are supposed to be some of the greatest years of my life, yet I can’t find anyone who wants to be a true friend. It’s also awkward to go to things by myself, but at the same time, I don’t want to miss out on them. What should I do?
—Friendless
Dear Friendless,
I truly feel for the young people who are having to reconfigure their social lives in the wake of COVID lockdown, and want you to know that you are not alone in this predicament! Many students, all over the country, are struggling with these same issues through no fault of their own.
So, let’s start from a place where you have some control. What is your definition of a true friend, and is there anyone in any of those friend groups you’ve floated through that seems to fit the bill? Even if the whole group doesn’t? I would reach out to them to hang out in a one-on-one setting, and see what happens from there. Maybe invite them over to play video games, ask them if they want to attend a school event together as friends, or study in tandem.
In the meantime, despite the awkwardness, I would encourage you to continue to attend homecoming, football games, parties, etc. all by yourself. It’s a great way to learn to enjoy your own company, which makes you a more interesting person to get to know, and who knows who you might meet while you’re learning what it looks like to confidently do things on your own.
Want Advice on Parenting, Kids, or Family Life?
Submit your questions to Care and Feeding here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)
Dear Prudence,
Recently, at a hobby group, I chatted with a newcomer and we exchanged WhatsApp info. I’m a friendly person and didn’t think much of it. He sent a message, to which I replied to after a few days and apologized for my response time. He then sent a multi-paragraph message about something we had discussed briefly (he restores motorcycles and I mentioned I had a passing interest in them so we chatted about that during the group) and noted that my response time was good as he is often not responded to, left on read for months, etc.
He seems nice, and I’d like to keep him on as a friendly acquaintance. I’m OK seeing him now and then at the group and chatting a little, that kind of thing. Nothing he’s said pinged my intuition as creepy or malicious, and I did get a bit of a socially awkward vibe from him when we met. It’s possible that he’s attracted to me, but I’m not sure. Is it impolite if I keep my responses to him short/formal in tone and a tad infrequent? Should I mention that he’s coming on really strong and it might be a lot for people (not sure if I actually want to do that but maybe it’s better for him if someone tells him or would that would be rude to do)? If it matters, we’re all in our early 20s.
—Tired in Seattle
Dear Tired in Seattle,
If his coming on strong makes you uncomfortable, you should say so. However, it does sound like he’s more likely to be socially awkward and fumbling through trying to make a friend than trying to start a romantic relationship with you. Since you know you’re not looking for either option, keeping your responses short, formal, and infrequent should be the best course of action. By his own admission, it isn’t something that offends him, and it helps you keep the conversation between the two of you friendly without feeling burdened by his expectations. Text as little (or as much) as you want, and if you feel the dynamic is leaning in a direction you’re not interested in going, you can gently pull it back, or firmly shut it down. It’s not always easy to predict what someone else is going to try when chatting with us, which is why it’s so important for us to know what we’ll do in response. Anything else is out of your control.
—Ashley
More Friendship Advice From Slate
I have a well-paying job and money in the bank. My lovely cat, whom I adore, (yes, I am a “childless cat lady” in modern parlance) was hit by a car. He is young, and his injuries, fortunately, were treatable, but not without significant cost. Kitty surgeons and emergency room care cost a pretty penny (five figures). I quite willingly spent my vacation fund (OK, my vacation fund for the next several years) on his care. I foolishly let a friend know the cost…
