How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I have a close friend of nearly 20 years (we are both women). We’ve been through a lot of big life events together. I’m also good friends with her spouse, and our children have played together their whole lives. Many years ago, before either of us were married, but while we were dating our spouses (I am now divorced and single), we had sex. There had always been some attraction there, and we got carried away. Neither of our partners knew and we agreed to just forget about it, and we never talked about it for all those years.

Recently, our families went on a trip together and we had sex again. Like before, it was spur of the moment and not planned. Her spouse still doesn’t know. I feel horribly guilty and haven’t spoken to them since. I miss my friend and I don’t want to lose the friendship. I also don’t want to cause trouble in their marriage and hurt her spouse with this knowledge. She told me she does not want her spouse to know. But I don’t feel like I can look him in the face anymore.

Is losing the friendship the price I have to pay for making this big mistake? Or should I just go back to pretending like nothing ever happened and preserve the friendship (including the friendship between the kids) and spare her husband the pain that would come from him knowing about this? We live in a small community so I will run into them, everyone goes to the same school, and we have mutual friends.

—Small Town Scandal

Dear Small Town Scandal,

There aren’t easy choices here, but I think the option of pretending like nothing ever happened will incur the least amount of stress on the bonds that have already been established. As you outline, this issue is bigger than you. Losing the friendship might have been an adequate penance were your families not enmeshed via a multigenerational friendship. The actual price you must pay is looking at her husband and swallowing whatever guilt you have. This may not go down easy, but you did it before. I would not be advising you to do this if you were embarking on a sexual relationship with your close friend, but I think it’s fair to assume that this, like the sex that you had with her many years ago, is a one-off event. Or two-off. Whatever—the number is low and you feel sufficiently bad about what happened.

Cheating and being cheated on can devastate a relationship, but they don’t have to. When you mess up, the most important thing is to learn from what happened so that you can avoid repetition of the offending behavior. Think back to last time and how you coped with this shared secret. I am assuming that it got easier to face both your and her partners over time. Ride it out. Derive strength from the knowledge that you made it through before.

Luckily, you are not alone here. You have a close friend that you’re in this with. You can commiserate with and confide in her. She may have some tips for getting through. You can share your struggles with her. Use this as an opportunity to bond—in an ethical way that’s on the right side of her agreement with her husband.

Dear How to Do It,

I am a woman who enjoys receiving anal, and I enjoy it best with a little friction. I’ve had anal with plenty of lube, and it’s fun, but when my boyfriend uses minimal lube, it’s absolutely mind blowing … until a few hours later when my anus is very angry with me. Is there a way to enjoy the friction-y anal I want without the pain later? A lube I should try or an aftercare routine that helps?

—Anal Enjoyer

Dear Anal Enjoyer,

Lube is the first rule of anal. It’s the “Thou shalt have no other gods before me” of anal. It’s the “You do not talk about Fight Club” of anal. Your own hole is a living example of why lube is so important. Without it, the penis can create small tears in the tender lining of the anus, resulting in pain (and an increased risk of contracting STIs). You can attempt to treat this after the fact with a balm or by washing the area, drying with a hair dryer on low heat and then applying Vaseline, but avoiding what causes these injuries in the first place is ideal.

I think you should experiment with the type of lube you use. Water-based lubes tend to dry the quickest. They require reapplication, so you might want to play with that by using just enough to keep things moving. If you’ve been using a water-based lube, try a silicone (my personal fave is Swiss Navy’s but Uberlube is great, too). And vice versa. There are silicone-water hybrids, coconut/water-based hybrids, there are ones that are aloe-based, there are fisting creams. For some, you’ll find a little goes a long way to keep things slick, and yet facilitate friction (I’m thinking primarily of the silicone here). Keep in mind that different brands create even more variation in the market, so just because you don’t like one company’s silicone doesn’t mean you won’t like another’s. Order some small sizes and test a bunch to see what works best for you to find the lubed-up-no-lube sensation you crave.

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Dear How to Do It,

I’ve always felt that I was a good person, but something’s happened lately that really has me questioning myself. After four decades together, my parents have opened up their marriage and my father has come out as gay. They still live together but my mom has a new boyfriend and so does my dad.

My father was always the manliest of men, a hairy-chested biker and certified action man, so it’s a shock to see him enter this new phase of his life. I really, really want to be supportive and I’ve always prided myself (pun intended) on being open-minded and accepting. I am not, however, OK with this. It’s … a lot.

I understand that I am the problem and I am working through that with an excellent counselor but until I get my thoughts together I need a little space. How do I have that conversation with my parents, particularly as we enter the holiday season? For now, I have expressed as much love and support as I can, but I don’t think that I can completely hide my discomfort at this change, nor am I sure I currently understand it. I just need a script to deflect while I arrange my thoughts.

—It’s Me, Not Them

Dear It’s Me, Not Them,

True self-awareness is a rare commodity and you have it. That is to say: You are the problem, and it’s heartening to see you admit it. If you’re going to be the problem, you should at least have the decency to know it. Admitting you’re wrong is the first step.

This is going to be a process of acclimation. You are shocked to find out that your manly, hairy-chested biker of a father is into men, but boy do I have news for you: There are back rooms full of such guys, and there have been for decades. I’m talking about pre-Stonewall societies of bikers riding around and rubbing on each other with purpose. I was once like you, with a very narrow conception of how gay men looked and behaved and then I grew up and exposed myself to the community (in more ways than one) and now when I see a bearded guy with a gut and slight twinkle in his eye in a South Jersey Target, I think, “Hmm.” Actual experience can go far in rewriting your archetypes.

Granted, the specific archetype here is that of your father, which is a big one. It’s OK that you need some time to process this. However, I think that you should signal said need as minimally as possible. You don’t think you can hide your discomfort, which means there is a possibility that you can. Hedge your bets in that direction. The last thing a gay person who has been closeted for decades needs is more shame—he’s dealt with enough of that. If you can’t be happy that he’s finally accepted who he is enough to actually live it, pretend like you are. Fake it till you make it. If you need time, make yourself scarce with excuses and preferably alibis. Limit your time with your parents but don’t cut it off all together. That may be enough to convey your processing.

Contrary to the specific advice you seek, I don’t think that you should strike up a direct conversation about your discomfort. This isn’t about you and there is no way that won’t come off as at least slightly offensive. Let them notice your reservation and come to you to ask if anything is wrong. If and when they do, keep it focused on you. Tell them what you told us: You know you’re in the wrong here, and that it turns out that you weren’t as enlightened as you thought. Lead with love, and remind them that you’re human. Tell them that you’re seeing a counselor and hope that you get used to this change in their lives sooner than later. It’s unfortunate that you feel the way that you do, but you know that and are working on it. You’re well on your way. Remember that it’s OK to be uncomfortable and that sometimes the best way to get through discomfort is to push through it until you’re used to it. Then it’s no longer uncomfortable at all.

Dear How to Do It,

I’ve recently started dating a guy I hooked up with briefly three years ago, and it’s been great except for one compliment he keeps pushing both in and out of bed. “Julien” and I hooked up for a few weeks in 2021, but I moved away suddenly when my sister got sick. After I moved back, I eventually ran into him and the chemistry was still there. But he insists on telling me I lost weight since he first knew me. It was part of the very first conversation we had when we re-met. Now when our clothes come off he seems to automatically lean for a compliment about how tiny I look, or how small my hip bones are.

Everything else we do is hot, but this moment always makes me feel uncomfortable. At my doctor’s request I’ve been trying and failing to lose weight for the past 18 months. I now weigh exactly what I did in 2021. But he pushes this compliment hard, and it even features in his dirty talk. How do I fix this?

—This Does Not Turn Me On

Dear This Does Not Turn Me On,

They say there’s no accounting for taste, but I find that also goes for perception. A little trend I’ve noticed: Sometimes people, especially ones that I see intermittently (say a few times a year or less) will tell me that when they last saw me my hair was longer. These people exist across friend groups and most likely never have met (and if they have met, I highly doubt the length of my hair was anything they discussed). Meanwhile, I get my hair buzzed and faded every week and have been doing this for decades. In rare exceptions, I’ll go for two weeks. That means my hair is never much longer than by a few millimeters no matter when you last saw me. And yet people will insist. Why do they do this? Clearly, what I am in their heads is something other than what I actually am.

I think this guy might be responding similarly to you. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about but he’s insistent. Sounds like a dude to me! Look, it’s reasonable to request that he not comment on your weight. People don’t like that in general, no matter the tone. You detect he means it as a compliment but it’s still inappropriate. I would choose a nonsexual time to bring this up. Just give it to him straight: Everything else about your hook-ups is hot, except for his tendency to comment on your weight, which is not the compliment that he thinks it is. If you feel like sharing that you’ve been trying to lose weight and haven’t, it might put your discomfort into even more clear perspective for him (it sounds like he could use as much perspective as you can offer). If it happens again during sex, a simple, “We’ve talked about this,” should suffice without making things too awkward. If he can’t stop saying it, well, he’s showing you who he is and you can ignore him accordingly. That might be the only way to stop the comments for good.

—Rich

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