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Dear How to Do It,
A very close, single friend (flippantly) confided in me that she went on a date with a married co-worker and spent the evening flirting, kissing, and even touching his leg. I asked about the state of his marriage and she there’s no pending separation due to religion but he “doesn’t like his wife.” I voiced my displeasure but it’s REALLY weighing on me and I’m wondering what, if any, moral obligation I have to tell her how I feel after already voicing my displeasure. I didn’t push the discussion because we were in public and frankly, I was just stunned by her actions but my heart is heavy over it. He’s moving very soon but not so far she couldn’t easily see him. She kept mentioning that medication has brought back her precious, insatiable sex drive but that feels like an excuse.
—Confused and Cautious
Dear Confused and Cautious,
OK wait, you voiced your displeasure and now you don’t know whether you should tell her how you feel? Uh, you told her how you feel: displeased. What is there to add to the discussion? Unless your friend just landed on this planet before canoodling with her married co-worker, she knows she’s transgressing. She knows what she’s doing would be seen as wrong. It might even be what makes her attracted to him.
You, in turn, get to judge her and act accordingly. Can you be friends with someone who behaves this way with a married man? If so, well, you’ve already said your peace. If not, stop talking to her. It would be useless to bring this subject up again, but if she does, you’ll have your chance to unburden your heart by reading her in person. There is a difference between pointing out problematic behavior and digging into someone’s character. Err on the side of the former, though either way, you might piss her off and come off as a scold. Your best option is to listen and help her pick up the pieces when she eventually must. It’s what friends do.
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Dear How to Do It,
My boyfriend (31) and I (27 F) have opened our relationship. We live together, share finances, spend plenty of time together, and are generally happy but I realized maybe a year ago that I wanted other kinds of sex that he wasn’t interested in giving me. It was a source of tension and even pain for a while, but we did some couples therapy together and that helped us both introspect and learn to communicate better. Earlier this year, I tentatively suggested we open up our relationship: Things were feeling like they were smoother and like this would be a good time to do it. He needed time to think it over, but eventually he decided he was willing to try, at least. I personally feel it is unfair to expect one-way monogamy, so I made it clear that we both were free to explore and have fun, as long as we were being safe and checking in communication-wise. It was a little bumpy and we had to make some mistakes before we got a solid set of rules down, but we figured it out! Yay! Neither of us wants a committed romantic relationship outside of this one—just permission to have casual sex and maybe a friend with benefits if we click with someone. So here’s the thing:
He’s doing so much better at this than me, and it is starting to really piss me off. I have been on Tinder, Bumble, and various other apps, and things always seem to simmer until they taper off completely. I get ghosted a lot, and even when I do get the chance to meet up with someone, either the vibe is off or we just don’t have any spark. A few times, I tried anyway, and the results were…lackluster. I haven’t had to deal with any creeps, so maybe I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, but this is driving me crazy! While I struggle, putting myself really, really out there, my boyfriend just seems to glide through hookups with ease! He doesn’t even use apps or any other sex-seeking tool—he just meets people after work or out in the world. We have been to a bar together just the two of us and I see women checking him out and instead of feeling like the cool girl who has the hottest guy in the room, I just see potential threats! I wasn’t like this at first: When he first started hooking up outside of our relationship, I thought it was really hot. I loved to masturbate and listen to him tell me about a steamy encounter. Now when he wants to do this, I just tell him I’m not in the mood, but surely he’s going to notice something is up. Maybe it’s all in my head, but I feel like he and I aren’t having as much sex as we did before we opened up.
I don’t know if I want to close things back up, or if that’s even an option. I like that he’s having fun…I just have a huge case of FOMO because I’m striking out so often. I hate how petty and jealous this experience has made me, and I’m starting to think it would be better to just have great, consistent sex with my guy when I want to, even if it means I don’t get to indulge in the kinks he isn’t interested in except in my mind. But is it OK to ask to close things back up when it was my idea to open in the first place? Just because I didn’t get exactly what I wanted? Am I a hypocrite for wanting to have him all to myself again?
—I Tried an Open Relationship and All I Got Was Mediocre Sex
Dear I Tried an Open Relationship and All I Got Was Mediocre Sex,
It is totally OK to ask to close the relationship up. Think back to when you were fine-tuning your rules—you tried, erred, and adjusted. It’s completely fair to consider taking non-monogamy off the table in the same spirit. You don’t know whether something is for you unless you try it. Now you gathered intel and have what you need to make an informed decision. That’s not a regression, it’s progress.
Of course, you realize that your boyfriend may not want to go back to the way things were. You may want to consider tinkering with your own approach before you call off the free-for-all all. You are envious of your boyfriend’s experience, but he’s going about this differently and the differences. Think of it as a case study of the differing results you might get from using apps versus meeting others in person. It’s easier to ghost someone who’s just a string of words and images, and apps can put you in the proximity of someone who you may connect with, but they cannot transmit vibes or sparks. Those things are much easier to suss out in person, so it’s pretty logical that your boyfriend is having a much better success rate from meeting people in person. Why aren’t you doing the same? If you’re concerned that it would be too hard to meet people IRL while attempting to figure out whether they share your kinks, you may have specialized local options for that as well, like sex parties or munches. Also, if you want to stick with apps, why are you using Tinder and Bumble to find kink matches? I think you might have a better success rate with Fetlife or even Feeld. You could also consider hooking up with someone else with your partner. A third joining you may or may not be exciting (depending on the arrangement and/or whether either of you is queer), but you could also look for another MF couple and swap.
That still may not be appealing to you, but your letter does suggest a lot of unexplored options. Yeah, you might just be someone who prefers monogamy, but you might also really like non-monogamy under the right conditions, and I’m not convinced you’ve pursued all of your options. Still, if you know in your gut it isn’t right, go ahead and say so. If I were you, though, I would frame this as wanting to close things back up for now. Leave the door open for further evolution.
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Dear How to Do It,
My husband and I (cis woman) are in our late 20s and have been married for four years. We have a super emotionally fulfilling relationship, and are each other’s best friends. Our sex life, however, has been a bit lacking in the last couple of years and I’m not sure what to do. We used to have sex several times a week, even a couple times a day in some cases. I had only one partner before him, and I don’t have a lot of experience beyond some very light BDSM that I want to explore more. He seems open to it, but we just don’t do those things unless I really beg. He won’t watch porn or read smut with me.
I’m usually the one who initiates sex and I get tired of being the one to do it every time. He never rejects me when I do initiate it but if I bring it up, he gets defensive about how he’s always tired from his job (to be fair, it is a very labor intensive job and I do understand how physically tired he is). I just want a happy medium between the two of us. My friend suggested that he might have low testosterone, which is something she went through with her husband, but I don’t know how to talk to him about it. We’re so good about communicating but when it comes to sex I feel this wall between us. I’m not sure what to do. Do you have any suggestions?
—At Least I Have My Bedside Buddy
Dear At Least I Have My Bedside Buddy,
You need to ask yourself why that “happy medium” is so important to you. Practically speaking, you know how to get the sex you desire: You ask for it. Initiating, in fact, is a foolproof method. You report that your husband never rejects you. That’s a great track record. It seems to me that you’ve established a dynamic. What if that’s just the way it is? I know this isn’t the fairytale ravishing of your dreams, but compared to so many people who write in, you’re doing great if your call elicits a response every single time. It might be that your desire is spontaneous, while his is responsive (read Emily Nagoski’s Come as You Are or Come Together for accessible writing on this topic, or at least check out a past column for a brief cheat sheet). It seems to me like you found a way to make it work.
You’re “tired” of initiating sex, but not so tired that you would gladly have sex that was started by your husband? You don’t seem that tired to me. Wanting to be wanted is relatable, but it is possible to interpret your husband’s behavior as indicative of desire for you, albeit in his own way.
I’m not convinced there’s an issue with testosterone but he could be getting his checked by his doctor, perhaps during an annual physical, which typically includes a panel of blood tests. I think it would be best to focus on that annual ritual more generally—asking if he’s going to the doctor at least every year, and whether he’s getting his bloodwork done when he does. I’d make it part of a larger conversation to avoid suspicion that you’re probing, since you want to be sensitive.
Dear How to Do It,
I am a 38 (F) virgin and I would rather not be anymore. I had a religious upbringing and had always resolved to wait until marriage to have sex. I might still end up waiting for marriage as I still believe in the reasons for waiting and still follow my religion, but this aspect is something that has become increasingly difficult to follow through on. Sure waiting for marriage is cool when you think the most you’ll wait is until 25. I didn’t think I would be staring down 40 in the same position. I had a few serious relationships/engagements in my 30s that did not work out but they happened at a time where I thought, “OK, I can wait for sex until after marriage because it’s right around the corner,” and my previous partners all believed that what we were doing was “right” and they respected my decision. But (not so) sadly I didn’t get married and my virginity remained intact.
I think it is important to note that I didn’t rush into any long-term commitments because I wanted to have sex. While it was semi-challenging to wait, I found it worthwhile in the context of the relationships and in hindsight, I would have regretted losing my virginity to what turned out to be an abusive ex or someone who I was only semi-attracted to. It was hard in the beginning but as the cracks in the relationship started to show, I wasn’t interested in crossing that line with my partners because I think I knew things weren’t right.
After my last broken engagement, I started flirting with the idea that I might not wait until marriage. I’ve been out of that relationship for a while and have been on a few dates but marriage is not something I see happening for me right now. I’m not thinking a one-night stand situation, but also not thinking it has to happen with the love of my life either (or with someone who has the same religious background). I think in the last couple of years, I’ve developed a healthier view toward sex and virginity where I’m neither over- (or under-) estimating its importance to me. I decided to just be open to the possibility and kind of see how it goes, and if I am comfortable, to not swear off sex before marriage (or a committed relationship). So for the first time in my adult life, I am looking to date outside my religion and not for the purpose of getting to know someone for marriage.
The problem is I don’t know how to approach this topic with a potential partner. I’m no spring chicken and the people I’m interested in dating are guys my age and up to 10 years older. I’m not sure if and how I should bring this up. I know that if it’s a problem for them, then I obviously don’t want to have sex with that person, but because virginity at my age is pretty rare, I also don’t want THEM to make a big deal about it and think that I’m going to fall love with them or get clingy just because we had sex. I also don’t want them to fetishize me for it either. I want this to be my decision and I want it to be enjoyable. So, should I bring it up? If so, how and when? Right before it’s about to happen or sooner than that? Obviously, it’s important to talk safe sex beforehand and talking about sex shouldn’t be a big deal. I also imagine it might come up when talking about previous relationships as we’re getting to know each other. Should I just omit it? If things are moving too fast physically for me, I have had no problem saying so. Should I say why?
—I Thought 40 Year Old Virgin Was a Comedy Not Reality
Dear I Thought 40 Year Old Virgin Was a Comedy Not Reality,
You’ve done a lot of feeling around moments for much of your adult life, so I think you should continue doing so. Act as the instance dictates. Know that you don’t have to provide a detailed bio to potential sex partners. If it’s easier for you avoid the topic of your virginity, do that. You write that you don’t want people to make a big deal about it, and sometimes pointing out a potential issue has a way of making it a bigger deal than it needs to be and then people respond in kind. Refusing to direct any energy there may be all you need to keep your partners from digging around in that area. Your inexperience may be clockable during sex but A) at that point, you will technically no longer be a virgin and B) it may just scan as idiosyncratic as opposed to virginal (experienced partners are aware there’s a lot of variation in sexual response and aptitude).
I think ideally, you’ll find someone that you want to share this information with for the sake of closeness. When you find someone you can actually talk to and speak honestly about your inexperience, it may be a good signal that this is a potentially good partner for you. It’s not always the case, but being comfortable around someone generally can beget comfort with being around someone sexually.
If and when you do bring it up, I think doing so matter of factly will be good for defusing negative reactions. You have finally reached the decision to have sex after a lot of thinking. That is just what it is. The less tension and nerves you show, the less likely said tension will rub off on your partner. Be business-like and then get down to business.
—Rich
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I (60 M) have been married to my wife (57 F) for 25 years. After four kids and the stresses of life, we still have a healthy and satisfying love life, except for one thing. My top (by a long shot) sexual fantasy is anal, but my wife had no interest. As a physician, she says she sees the physical damage that anal sex causes women and wanted no part. But after years of denying me and knowing how badly I wanted it, we started to dabble in anal play a few years ago. Well, now she’s pissed at me.
