Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 8-year-old daughter has me rattled! She has not been remotely interested in boys until very recently. Now she’s completely obsessed with one particular boy in her class. I will start by saying that I am so, so grateful that she feels safe enough to tell me all of this. But, I was terrified of boys at her age, and I’m finding myself at a loss for words. So, this starts innocently enough by her telling me she likes a boy. A couple of days later she asks me if it would be okay if they held hands. I tell her that seems okay to me, as long as they both want to, but NO KISSING! (said as kind of a joke). She then wants to know at what age she can kiss. I tell her that we can keep talking about it, but if she’s finding she really has the urge, she should come to me to talk it out. She immediately responds that she has the urge. I then tell her we should only kiss people we really love, and she says, “but I do really, really, REALLY love him.” We then chatted about the difference between love and a crush.
Yesterday she told me she spent all day at school with him, and I asked her what they talked about. She said they talked about what they’re going to name their future children! Is this normal? Should I be doing more to slow her down? I mostly want to instill in her a sense of independence and to not let boys distract her from all the wonderful things in her life, but it seems this boy is already a huge distraction; he is all she is thinking about. I realize this won’t last, but she’s only 8! Is this a sign of what’s to come?!
—Boy Obsessed
Dear Boy Obsessed,
Don’t worry too much (yet) about your daughter’s fixation on her classmate. This is her first time experiencing romantic feelings, and they’ve hit her pretty hard. That’s normal. Continue to encourage her to keep her relationship to this boy appropriate. Let her know that while it’s okay for her to be sweet on this young man, that she is too young for them to be a couple. It’s fine for them to spend time together at school, and if you’re comfortable with it, for them to hold hands from time to time. But it’s important that their physical relationship doesn’t escalate and that they don’t start to have unreasonable expectations for each other, such as not talking to other boys/girls, or excluding other friends to only hang with each other.
You can get contact info for this boy’s parents and discuss what you all are okay with in terms of the two of them bonding. If it seems that this boy is all your daughter wants to talk or think about, impress upon her the importance of having a full life that does not revolve around one person, and that the same will go when she’s old enough to have a partner. Try to quell the “future kids” talk by letting her know that it’s simply too soon for her to know if she wants to have children with this boy or not. Encourage her to think of him as a friend, maybe even one of her best friends, but nothing deeper than that.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am the custodial parent to two children (“Cal”-15, they/them, and “Sara”-14, she/her) that I had with my ex-husband, “Ned,” with whom I had been amicably divorced for 12 years. About six years ago, Ned hastily married his suddenly pregnant girlfriend “Esther. Esther had a son from a previous relationship, “Mike.” Esther and Ned have since had a second baby.
Since our first meeting, I sensed something “off” with Esther. Despite my best efforts, Esther was cold and confusing. All her communication with me was supercilious and saccharine at best; at worst, outright deceptive. Esther has repeatedly risked Cal and Sara’s lives: forcing them to lose their room to their stepsiblings to stay in a garage that burned down during a visit (thankfully not while they were in it); lying about basic safety precautions during COVID; and driving while on her phone, recording video on the highway, with my (at the time) 11-year-old without a seatbelt, in the front passenger seat! Since the beginning, Esther has been escalating emotional and verbal abuse against everyone, but especially Cal, who Esther sees as a travesty (due to gender identity) due to her violent religious/social beliefs. In her home, Esther frequently spits vitriol against Cal and their gender identity, and about me, intentionally within earshot of both kids.
Cal and Sara adore Ned, but we live six hours apart, so there isn’t an opportunity to allow them to visit him and the step/half siblings they love without Esther’s rampages against and around all of the kids, even her own. After Cal and Sara’s summer visit, they both shared with me how distraught they were over how Ester’s rages left them all holding each other and crying together in fear and sadness. Ned used to work, but is now unemployed. Cal and Sara’s previous beliefs that Ned would “stand up” against Esther, if only he were present, finally disappeared this last summer when Ned was at home and was just trying to hide from Esther’s tirades, never protecting any of the kids or even himself, from her abuse. Cal and Sara both insist they would rather deal with the abuse from Esther than not see their dad, but I cannot just stand by and let Esther hurt them like this. What do I do?
—Terrified in Tennessee
Dear Terrified,
You cannot allow your children to be mistreated, and if their father won’t protect them, then you simply can’t allow them to be with him and his partner unsupervised anymore. It’s unfortunate that this means that they will miss time with their father and step-siblings, but you have to think about the long-term ramifications of letting Esther abuse them—and that’s what this is. If you have a legal arrangement that guarantees your ex time with the kids, you must go back to court and document Esther’s behavior. If you don’t, simply tell him that your children will not be visiting him so long as they have to be subjected to this woman. If he wants to see his kids, he can travel six hours to you and spend time with them. Perhaps Esther will allow him to bring her children as well. There is no other way to handle this. Your kids are not safe in this woman’s presence, and Ned has made it entirely clear that he’s either unable or unwilling to prevent her from harming them.
This is a tragic situation and you should consider getting your children the support of a therapist to help them cope with the (necessary) separation from their father, as well as the things they have been subjected to at the hands of Esther. I’m sympathetic to Ned, as it seems he is trapped in an abusive relationship; however, your first priority must always be the safety of your children. If that means keeping them away from their father and step-siblings, that is simply what you must do.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
Years ago, at the start of COVID lockdown, my partner was physically abusive to our then 5-year-old son. It was a one-time incident and over quickly, but the incident, plus the pandemic, kicked off a multiyear stretch of anxiety, depression, and therapeutic interventions for our child. This included several months of family therapy that went into creating a shared narrative of what happened and an apology from my partner.
I am glad to say that after a lot of time, my child is much more stable, although they still receive treatment for anxiety. However, it’s become clear to me that I cannot stay in this relationship, in part because of the incident itself, but more because of how my partner has dealt with it in the time since. His feeling is that because we had family therapy and concluded it, any lingering fears or anxieties I have about it are my problem. He also believes that I made the incident more frightening for our child by screaming at him to stop.
Now, both of my kids are furious that we are getting divorced and can’t understand why I am doing this. Both have said that they are so angry they don’t want to live with me. However, I’m worried that bringing up anything about the incident will lead my anxious son to believe that he is to blame for the divorce. Do I need to remind my kids of their father’s behavior, or just let them be upset with me?
—Soon to Be Single Mom
Dear Single Mom,
You owe your children an explanation for the end of the marriage, but they are not entitled to every detail—particularly those that may cause them additional pain. I think you’re correct to worry that telling your son would lead him to feeling partially responsible for what is happening. If you and your soon-to-be-ex are amicable enough to talk, get together and come up with an agreement about how and what you’re going to share with your kids. Ideally, the two of you would have the same explanation for why you’re splitting. Something along the lines of “Mommy and Daddy simply aren’t in love anymore, we just aren’t happy together.”
If you can’t speak with your husband about this, let the kids know that the marriage simply wasn’t working and that when they’re older, they’ll understand why it’s important not to keep a bad thing going. Emphasize how much you love them and how committed both of you are to making things as easy as possible for them as they adjust. I beat the therapy drum in this column often, but I do strongly urge you to find a professional for your kids to talk to; their school may offer this service for free. They need a neutral party to vent to, someone who can help them understand your decision.
—Jamilah
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