Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
For this edition, Hillary Frey, Slate’s editor-in-chief, will be filling in as Prudie.
Dear Prudence,
I’m a teacher, and I spend a lot of time with my co-workers. Everyone is very family-oriented and loves kids, so usually when people get married, it’s not uncommon for a teacher to ask something along the lines of: When are you going to have a baby? I very naively thought that it would be easy for us to get pregnant since we have no health issues. Therefore, I told a few work friends that we were starting the process of trying, and when they would ask how it was going, even though I was starting to get frustrated, I would still make some jokes like, “Winter break is coming—maybe we’ll get a little Christmas surprise!”
Unfortunately, now it’s been almost two years with no results. We have started to go to fertility clinics and recently found out that my husband’s sperm production is the cause of our infertility. I choose not to share this medical information with my coworkers because it’s so personal. However, I am still getting barraged by teachers giving me all this advice about what I can do to prepare my body for pregnancy. This is even more difficult to hear since I know that it’s not my body that is the problem, but I would never tell them that. They still come up to me all the time to ask me if I’m pregnant and whether I have any news.
I’ve personally been struggling with some depression due to this, so I usually just put on a happy face and say, “No news yet. I’ll make an announcement when there’s some news to be shared.” What I really want to say is, “Will you please stop asking about my reproductive health?” But that’s very rude, especially since I’m the one who opened the door to this side of my life. How do I firmly yet politely say to some of the more well-wishing teachers that this is a topic that I just do not wish to discuss anymore?
—No Baby News Yet
Dear No Baby News,
Your fellow teachers have apparently not gotten the memo yet that it’s 2024 and constantly asking questions about whether someone else is or wants to be pregnant is totally intrusive! But let’s deal with your reality: You may have opened the door for their comments by mentioning you are trying to get pregnant. Still, that doesn’t give them the right to follow up constantly. So many people struggle with infertility—even Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Walz and his wife have talked openly about their difficulties!—it’s really time to get with the program. You don’t want to be rude, but I think you just have to say, maybe when you are in the teachers’ lounge with a group or at lunch: “I know I mentioned that we were trying for a baby, but we’re taking a break, so it would be great if you didn’t bring it up, as it’s sensitive right now.” That’s not rude. It’s taking care of yourself and your mental health.
That said, I am also concerned about how you’re casting blame for your infertility. Why was it important for Prudie to know that the issue is on your husband’s side? You say it’s “not your body that’s the problem.” Ouch. Imagine if the primary struggle with getting pregnant was on you, and that’s how your husband described it. It takes two (or at least a sperm and an egg) to get pregnant; your infertility is a shared struggle. I suggest you start thinking that way instead of blaming your partner for something outside of his control.
Dear Prudence,
How do you politely deal with someone who changes the plan every time you see each other? Some examples: trying to change the location of someone else’s birthday party; agreeing to go out for lunch and deciding once they’re in the car that they want to eat fast food instead of sitting down somewhere; agreeing to one place for ordering food with a group and then changing their mind, causing an hour or more delay; making plans to go shopping and then wanting to go home after an hour to do chores.
The default answer from this person is “Can’t you just come over/do what I want?” or not seeing them. The constant barking by their two dogs leaves me shell-shocked after leaving their house, plus they have an unpleasant guest living with them that I don’t want to see as regularly as I do the host. I understand that I need to be flexible to a point, but how do you politely set the boundary? I’d rather not eat a disappointing burger in my car in the parking lot of Home Goods when I had mentally planned to sit down and enjoy a relaxed meal. I’m starting to feel like a chauffeur.
—Can’t Bend Over Backward
Dear Can’t Bend,
Who is this person? You do not describe them as a friend or a relative, and I can’t figure out why making plans with them is a priority at all, given that it sounds like it’s just one long headache. You have two options: Go along with doing what they want at any given moment, and accept that they are going to flip-flop all over the place. Or, tell them that you are sick of the constant switcheroos and are going to bail if they don’t stick with the original plan. If you go with number one, best of luck. If you go with number two and they freak out, I suggest taking a close look at why this person is in your life at all.
How to Get Advice
Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!
Dear Prudence,
My friend (“Marci”) of many years is more like a sister. When she got pregnant, I was very excited. I have no desire for my own kids, but I love them. I was open about this, so I was really surprised when Marci accused me of hating children, judging people who have them, and indicated that she was terrified that I’d abandon her when she gave birth. I was blindsided because she was so angry and hurt, and I apologized for anything I said that gave her that impression—but insisted that I do not feel that way at all. It opened up a conversation about her anxieties about her childless friends leaving her behind. I expressed my own anxieties, but I assured her that would not happen with us. But the problem is … it has. I love helping with the baby, and we’ve still maintained our in-person social visit schedule we had before. I made sure I changed nothing about my behavior to her—but it’s not enough.
She now asks me to blow off work/appointments to come over typically twice a week, and gets upset when I can’t. She gets cranky when she hears I’ve seen my childless friends, especially because she views it that I’m choosing to spend my precious non-working time with people other than her (it doesn’t matter that I’m seeing them in the evening hours when she’s unavailable). I also can’t express anything positive without her getting jealous. I found a new jacket I loved? Well, she hasn’t lost the baby weight and can’t find clothes. I’m going on a trip? Well, she can’t take trips like that for years and years. I don’t brag! Mere mentions are all it takes.
From my perspective, I’ve upheld my end of the bargain: I have changed nothing about how I interact with her, and I’ve made room in my schedule to help care for her baby—but I guess her expectation was that I’d radically change my life along with her, but there’s a reason I’m choosing not to have children. Naturally, I’ve now been spending more time with people with whom I can be myself with, who respect my time, who are happy to hear about good things I’m experiencing even when they’re not. This has renewed the comments about abandonment, and subtle accusations have entered the mix. She’ll accuse me of not understanding responsibility because I don’t have kids, which is extremely unfair given certain caregiving responsibilities in my life. (And, I’d be lying if I said that her first accusation doesn’t still haunt me.)
I don’t really know what to do! I feel awful that she’s struggling to adjust. I have no idea how to talk to her about this, though. Until now, we’ve never had cause to have a Serious Talk, and it feels awkward after YEARS to have one now. But, frankly, I’m over this. I feel tired and disrespected, and I’ve started to become avoidant as a result. I don’t want to prove her fears right by pulling away, but I don’t know how, especially as a dreaded childless person, to even address this without her getting defensive.
—Childless in Connecticut
Dear Childless,
You have nailed the issue here in your letter: Marci is “struggling to adjust.” She’s projecting all of her own anxieties onto you, and setting you up to “fail” her. I don’t know if she is dealing with some postpartum depression, of if she’s ambivalent about her new situation, or what, but all signs point to her having a problem, not you.
I can tell you really care about Marci, even if you are exasperated. The good news is: The newborn phase does not last forever, and she will change (we can hope for the easier!) as her baby gets older. A lot of my friends had kids before I did, and while they were not demanding like Marci, some of them were extremely hurt if I ever had to cancel; disappointed if I did not stay for very long visits; and quick to be jealous of my comparative freedom. I tried to put myself in their mindset in those moments, and tap into all the patience I possessed. Years later, life is different, and we have different challenges about scheduling and expectations. But they don’t have to do with babies!
If you can bear it: Keep your weekly dates and see if things evolve a bit. If Marci keeps lodging accusations at you (which is really not ok), tell her clearly that you know this transition has been hard for her, and you want to be there for her and the baby, but you can’t be under these conditions. Having a baby does not give you the right to suddenly be a bully, or a bad friend. Hopefully as her baby sleeps more, she’ll wake up.
Classic Prudie
My only cousin and I were close as kids but rarely saw each other once we were out of our teens. When she got married two years ago, my husband and I didn’t make the cut on the guest list (she was invited to mine). I wouldn’t have been able to go between work and travel expenses, but I took it as an indication of the state of our relationship or lack thereof. My husband’s parents have both a summer house and a ski condo that they didn’t want to sell but were tired of the upkeep. They gave the properties to my husband and me. We are in the process of updating the properties and renting them out. My uncle is a contractor by trade. His wife isn’t a professional designer but could be. She has exquisite taste. They both spent a week at both properties free and gave us a rundown on what we would need to do. I guess word got around.
