Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena, Kristin, and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
I have been dating my partner for the last seven years, during which time we have had separate residences. However, he often stays with me on the weekends, and we have traveled extensively together. We are looking to move into a flat together soon. But there is one situation that gives me pause…
How do we fairly share the food budget? He easily eats twice as much as I do, and this comes up a lot when we go out to eat, or when he stays with me. We generally split things 50/50, just to keep it simple, but often this feels unfair to me. I asked him some time ago to contribute to the budget for my place, but that never really happened. Can you please give me some advice on how we can create a fair food budget so I am not so vigilant about it? We generally have good communication, but this is one area that seems murky to divide fairly.
—Hiding My Favorite Snacks
Dear Hiding My Favorite Snacks,
I have several sets of friends who drink a lot. When we go out to eat, they may order six glasses of wine between them where my husband and I might share one. We divide the bill equally because we have a 25-year friendship and we’ve learned that everything comes out in the wash.
But it doesn’t always work out so well. If you’re stressing about this, the easy thing to do is to stop dividing food bills in half. You buy what you eat and he buys what he eats. If you make dinner together a few times a week, agree to both put some nominal amount into a shared account and use that to buy shared ingredients. When you go out to restaurants, you can split the bill with friends and then repay each other to account for differences. Or, decide the difference at restaurants won’t break you and move on.
Moving in together gives you the opportunity to start fresh. It’s appropriate to talk about your income and expenses. You might consider that if one of you earns more, it could be fairer to divide all of the expenses based on income, not consumption. So using this method, if you earn twice as much, you’d pay two-thirds of the expenses (including rent, utilities, and, yes, food). You can accomplish this by having a house account into which you both contribute prescribed amounts. If you get a raise, or he does, the ratio will change.
On the subject of hiding your favorite snacks, however, that’s an ongoing struggle every couple faces. (Ask me where I stash my dried apricots…)
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Dear Pay Dirt,
A good friend, Evelyn, and I are looking to buy a house together. Because of our relative financial situation, shared ownership is probably the only realistic way we’ll ever own a house. It’s a couple of years off, as we continue to save/work out the details. We’ve told several people about our goals, and people have been very supportive. But we have one friend we’re worried about telling. My friend and I met online, and we have another friend, Reina, whom we know from that same circle. We all met over four years ago, during the pandemic, and are incredibly close. Evelyn and I both live in the U.S., and Reina lives in another country.
After several trips to visit each other, as well as vacations together, I moved close to Evelyn about a year ago (both because of our friendship, and because it was a part of the country I had always dreamed of living in), and now we’re looking at this home buying situation going forward. Reina has had a really hard year. Her mother died, she has some unstable family situations, money is tight, and her job is stressful. Before the pandemic, she was actually looking at moving to the U.S., but that opportunity dried up. She also can get jealous or insecure about Evelyn and my’s friendship, both because of past friends who have treated her terribly and because of the very real fact that Evelyn and I have been able to get together more physically, and are in a position to live close to each other. We want to tell her about the house plan because if we don’t tell her until late in the game, she’ll probably be very hurt. But we aren’t sure if she won’t be hurt now. What is the best way to approach this?
—Don’t Go Breaking Her Heart
Dear Don’t Go Breaking Her Heart,
Reina is going to be hurt no matter what. You already know this. And, you’re sensitive to it, which is lovely. But you and Evelyn have to live your own lives, and for purely logistical reasons, Reina can’t be a part of this.
So, you have two choices: Begin talking about your plans with Reina now to normalize them; or, once your plans are set—as in, your down payment money is in hand, you’ve hired a real estate agent and are beginning to actively look at homes—let Reina know what you’ve decided to do. The reason to wait until your plans are in motion is that it’s tough to buy a home these days and plans have a way of falling apart or shifting direction. In the next year or two, you or Evelyn could meet someone, fall in love, and buy a house with that person. One of you could have a windfall or a new job opportunity that might change what you buy and where you buy it. Or, perhaps someone in either of your families of origin might have kids or become ill and you’ll both decide to move closer to lend a hand.
Alternatively, telling Reina now, and offering to include her virtually in the fun stuff, treats her like the adult she is and gives her space to manage her emotions. She could surprise you by being delighted for you both. At the same time, she might be envious, both that you’re able to buy a home and that you’re doing it together, and jealous that she can’t be a part.
Or, maybe she’ll announce she’s moving to the States and wants to be a part of it all, at which point in time you and Evelyn will have another difficult decision to make.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
My wife’s parents are quite wealthy and have told us that she can expect a sizable inheritance upon their deaths—a little over $1 million, not including the sale proceeds from their large home. She is an only child and won’t be splitting the estate with any other heirs, and my in-laws have a separate fund set up for their own long-term care needs. The inheritance money wouldn’t allow both of us to retire permanently or anything, but in my opinion, it answers several open-ended financial dilemmas in our lives, i.e. “Would we be able to afford private school for our child?” or “Could we upgrade to a house that would allow us to shorten our commutes?” (yes and yes).
My wife, however, insists that we shouldn’t factor this inheritance into any of our financial discussions at all: We should behave as if we are not going to receive a dime. I understand where she’s coming from, but money is a massive stress to my wife. She works insanely long hours at a grueling job, insisting that she must remain in it so our family remains comfortable (my job is comparable in salary but much lower in stress, and I should mention that neither of us has any debt besides a mortgage, and we both have very healthy 401(k)s). I would love for her to feel like she could take a lower-paying, less stressful job, secure in the idea that she is going to receive a windfall at some point in the future. Which one of us is right? Is counting your inheritance chickens ever appropriate?
—Counting Chickens
Dear Counting Chickens,
I’d love to reduce the financial stress your wife is feeling, but I can’t condone counting chickens before they’ve come home to roost.
Until her parents die, which could be in 20 or 30 years, that money is tied up. Anything could happen. Their investments could do poorly. They could get sick and need full-time care for a number of years that exceeds the separate budget they’ve set up for this sort of thing. They could decide to donate their money to a favorite charity, use it to save a relative or friend from bankruptcy, or buy a $1 million painting that they lend to a local museum.
The point is, that’s her parents’ money, not your wife’s. If you start living beyond your means now because you think you’ll get it in the end, you’re setting yourself up for an unwelcome surprise. And, to continue the metaphor, when those chickens do finally show up, you might be at an age where it’s too late to feather your nest.
But living with someone who feels the burden of money so keenly isn’t easy either. You need to help her unpack that stress so that you both can enjoy your lives now. In a quiet moment, when the kids are asleep or, better yet, on a money date, try to draw her out. It could be that she sees something you don’t, or doesn’t understand how far your finances will go in retirement. If you can’t get on the same page, perhaps finding a financial advisor who can lay it all out in a spreadsheet will help.
—Ilyce
Classic Prudie
My partner and I have been essentially aunt and uncle to the two children of friends since their birth, and they are now young adults making their way in the world. One of them has a habit of dropping off communications radar—not responding to texts or messages—for fairly long periods of time, but popping up when they need advice, or a contact, or something from us. Those bits of advice or networking tips are sometimes used and sometimes not, occasionally leading to uncomfortable situations…
