Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I will get right to the issue. I have a 10-day, out of country trip planned to take care of some family business that is smack dab in the other corner of the world. It is almost an 8000-mile journey taking 24-hourse by flight. I have a 4.5-year-old who has never left my side since his birth, except for when he goes to school and when I go to work. We have never been apart at night. My husband and I have been preparing him for a while (more than a month, actually), stating the number of days I’ll be gone, how much fun he will have with his dad, the movies they will watch, the places they will go, etc. All throughout the last month he has been falling sick with either fever or cold, but repeated tests for flu and COVID have been negative. Over the past week things have gotten worse—he has begun to itch all over his body, he has been running a temperature on and off for four days, and we have been to the doctor far too many times with the answer being “nothing is wrong with him physically.”
Both my husband and I asked him point-blank if he was scared of me leaving and his response was obviously yes. He has since been very vocal about it, saying how he will sit up the entire night, thinking of me and crying for me to come back. He absolutely trusts my husband and is aware he will be here with him and it’s just me gone for 10 days, but I don’t think he is able to grasp the concept of time. He keeps asking me if I will return, if I am gonna leave forever. I totally understand childhood fears—I was a wreck when my parents went on trips, but I don’t recall to this extent. The last two days have been terrible; he has been crying almost nonstop and I am close to canceling my trip. I guess I’m just asking if it’s ok for me to go? Or will I completely traumatize my son to the extent that he will forever be plagued with abandonment issues? I’m probably sounding crazy right now but that’s honestly how I feel after weeks of dealing with this.
—Stay or Go?
Dear Stay or Go,
I know this is tough for both of you. Your son’s anxiety ahead of your trip is probably feeding yours, and vice-versa. I am writing this with the assumption that your family business is important and needs to be taken care of now—but of course if you don’t think that’s the case or you decide to postpone the trip, that’s your call.
The fact that your son is upset and worried about your trip doesn’t mean he can’t get through it. It’s understandable that he doesn’t know that yet, and keeps asking you for reassurance—he has no frame of reference for what’s about to happen. (I’d recommend going away for the night and returning the next day so he can experience that at least once before the 10-day stretch, but I realize you might not have sufficient time before your trip.) As an adult, however, you have the benefit of experience—you do know what it’s like when someone leaves and comes back. So you can keep reminding yourself of that, and confidently telling your child that even if this separation is hard, it is temporary, and you’re both going to be ok.
Let your son know that you hear him, you understand how he feels, and it’s ok to be a little scared—especially given that this is all new to him. Be honest and acknowledge that there will be some fun times with his dad, and some harder times when he really misses you. Talk with him about how you two can stay connected while you’re away—maybe you call him around the same time each day, so he knows he will still get to talk with you. Tell him that you will miss him, too, but you also know that you’re both going to get through this and be fine.
It’s too bad that he seems to have either caught a virus or is experiencing stress-related physical symptoms—or both?—but this too shall pass. (No matter what’s causing the rash and fever, his doctor should be able to recommend medicine or other relief measures to help him feel more comfortable.)
Bottom line: It’s up to you whether or not to go on your trip as planned. If you do go, I don’t believe your child will end up being traumatized or having lifelong abandonment issues, because you aren’t abandoning him. You’re going to come back. And even if you feel like a broken record, that’s the part you need to emphasize and help him understand. And the next time you need to go away for work, or to deal with family matters, your son will better know what to expect and remember the most important part: you came back. And you’ll know that you can leave home to take care of important business, and your family will be alright.
Want Advice on Parenting, Kids, or Family Life?
Submit your questions to Care and Feeding here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m the organizer in my family. My husband of 10 years, our 5-year-old, and I live across the country from all of our parents/grandparents. We manage family visits with my side several times per year, either here or there. However, my husband’s mother is a challenge. She is his only surviving parent and does not travel. So the only way for her to form a relationship with her grandchild is virtually (this actually works super well) or when we visit. Organizing these trips is always a bit of a pain, as my husband is not a great traveler.
But the real problem is that I hate visiting my MIL. She’s a nice lady and we get on well, but she’s an awful hostess and lives in a red state to boot. We can’t relax, she won’t let us cook, and she contradicts what we tell our child regarding food or activities. When we plan activities, she’s never excited about anything and just blankly follows along—but when we ask her what she’d like to do, she says nothing. I want to call it quits. Can I stop making an effort to organize and go on these trips, and let my husband deal with the situation? I know this will be hard for him because of his travel anxiety, but he’s also said several times he could do it alone—he just never has. I always come back from these trips stressed and resentful.
—I Don’t Really Care About Grandma
Dear About Grandma,
From your letter, I’m not entirely clear on whether you want to stop planning these visits, or stop going at all? I suppose the answer to both questions is a technical “yes,” in that no one can make you plan and go on a trip you don’t want to take. I certainly don’t think communicating with and organizing trips to see your mother-in-law should always fall to you—as you and your husband have both said, he’s capable of managing it, even if it makes him a bit anxious or he’d rather not. It’s fine to tell him he can do it next time (and if he doesn’t, that’s not on you).
As for the question of whether you go on these trips at all, it’s your choice to make. But if your mother-in-law is truly the “nice lady” you describe, you and your husband could make an earnest effort to address some of the challenges and problem-solve before you forgo all future visits. For one thing, tell your mother-in-law not to undermine your parenting, and be ready to call it out if she does so. Buy and prepare the food you want to eat. Consider staying in a hotel or Airbnb instead of at her house, so you can spend time with her and also have breaks and your own space to retreat to. You don’t have to like the fact that your mother-in-law is not a big organizer or planner (much like your husband!), but she isn’t going to change at this point, so figure out what activities you want to do with your son and let her decide whether she’s going to go along. Try not to make her “excitement” over these activities, or lack thereof, your problem.
Since your mother-in-law doesn’t travel and you find your visits challenging, it makes sense that you’d see her rather less often than you see your own family. You definitely don’t have to travel to see her on the other side of the country several times a year—it seems reasonable to aim for once or twice or whatever you can do without it becoming too great a financial burden. Think about whether there are big or small things you can do when you’re there to improve matters, and let your husband know that planning the next visit is up to him.
Catch Up on Care and Feeding
· Missed earlier columns this week? Read them here.
· Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group!
Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter is in college and living in our house rent-free. She works part-time and plans to continue college as a part-time student. We moved this spring for a job opportunity, leaving her at the house. We got a renter for the bottom part of the house and our daughter lives upstairs. She has a cat and a ferret and recently rescued two large dogs. Since we left, she has torn out the upstairs carpeting leaving bare subfloors. She has refused to crate-train the dogs, so they have destroyed the floors and peed so much there is a stain on the living room ceiling. I gave her money for dog crates and neutering both dogs. She asks for money for food several times a week. When I try to talk to her, she starts crying and saying everyone is being mean to her. The neighbors are complaining about the dogs. One dog has bitten her twice. She has mental health issues and seems to be overwhelmed. We eventually want to put the house on the market. She is 21. I’m worried that if I don’t support her she’ll do something drastic, but if I don’t do anything the house will be destroyed and the situation will get worse. I’m too emotionally involved to think clearly anymore.
—Worn Out
Dear Worn Out,
You need to try to help your daughter, and you need to take care of your property. You don’t necessarily have to keep the two of them together in order to do that. There is no reason that supporting your barely-adult child has to mean letting her live indefinitely in the former home you want to sell. There are other places she can live, and at this point it probably makes sense to try to help her find one—she doesn’t seem ready for the responsibility of living in a house on her own, rent-free or not.
First, go see her and get eyes on the situation—long-distance support obviously isn’t cutting it. Your daughter needs more than phone calls and cash to clean up her messes after the fact. Talk with her about getting support for her mental health issues (if you can help pay for therapy, it would be a kind offer and might increase the likelihood of her actually going). Maybe, with some support from you, she could find a living situation that would be better for her.
If you or she can’t afford that, or you just don’t think she’s able to take care of herself and her own living space right now, discuss whether she should come back home to live with you for a while. Staying with (or within a short drive of) you would give her a local safety net to count on while she makes some plans and gets back on her feet. She can look for work and mental health treatment and educational opportunities in or near your new town. No matter where she lives, she needs to commit to working with a trainer to address the biting and get the dogs house-trained if she wants to keep them (for the dogs’ sake as much as hers).
In the meantime, try to be patient with your daughter. Plenty of people her age also make impulsive decisions, find the transition to independent/adult life challenging, and/or are not ready to live in a house and keep it orderly all by themselves at age 21. She still has a lot of growing-up to do, and with your support she’ll hopefully get there.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter and a friend of hers have written a fantasy novel. They’re both 11 years old. They are now asking me about getting an agent, getting editors to look at it, getting it published. Obviously as a parent you want to encourage your kids in good hobbies and for them to feel accomplished. But as someone who knows a little about publishing and writing, it’s a 50,000-word story written by two 11-year-olds; it is not getting acquired or published. So, what do you recommend is the most encouraging course of action for me to take?
—Pragmatist in Poughkeepsie
Dear Pragmatist,
Congratulate the kids on finishing their novel (no small feat at any age!). You can let them know that you’re very proud and have no doubt they could become published writers one day. If they keep asking you about finding representation and a publisher now, it might be worth sharing that most agents and publishers would have practical and ethical concerns about contracting with writers who are still minors. Writing, publishing, and promoting a book is a job, and like most jobs, it’s meant for adults.
For now, it might be fun for them if you offer to have a few copies printed and bound at a print shop. It’s one thing to have digital copies of their story, but the kids would probably enjoy having a physical book to read, hold onto, and share with others. They can design a cover for it, or try their hand at writing jacket copy and author bios.
One of the most important things you learn from writing a book is simply that you can do it. After that, you know that you can write another one, and another one. So while you recognize and rightfully celebrate your daughter’s accomplishment, maybe you can encourage her to think of this first book as an important step on her writing journey—a story to keep building on, if she wants to.
I don’t think you should necessarily share this point, but few writers would want things we wrote as kids to be out there, forever, with our names attached (not that the figure-skating YA romance I wrote at age 12 wasn’t impressive for someone who didn’t know how to figure-skate). Your daughter and her friend have years to work on their craft and get better at it before they have to face the critics. Many writers, especially those with non-writing jobs, crave more time to write—by starting so young, they have given themselves a long runway. And maybe they can be encouraged to see that as a good thing in and of itself, even if they wish they could see their names on a real book cover right now.
—Nicole
More Advice From Slate
I’m a 68-year-old retired grandma of five. My son has a 6-year-old non-verbal autistic daughter who is still in diapers, has the mental development level of an 18-month-old and suffers from seizures. She is on three medications to control the seizures. I’ve helped my son and his wife care for her for three years now, and as she gets older, she also gets stronger. I’ve been punched, pushed, and had things thrown at me. I am tired and now want to move on to enjoy my “golden years.” I want to travel around the world, visit my other kids and their families, and sit and do nothing. My son is trying to guilt me to continue helping.
