Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena, Kristin, and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
I had saved around $10,000 for my daughter’s education when I was slammed by an illness that nearly killed me. The medical bills wiped out all of our savings and we nearly lost the house. We were lucky that my wife’s late husband had a trust set up for their two children so they didn’t have to worry about college loans.
My daughter is 16. She is academically brilliant but lazy. Unless my wife or I kept on her, she wouldn’t study or do her homework. Her mother would rather be her friend than a parent. My daughter moved in with her full time and her grades tanked. She barely passed her sophomore year. She doesn’t care and to make matters worse, her mother has promised her that she has this money saved for her.
My ex has a gambling problem and it was the leading reason why we divorced. She lives off her own mother so their lifestyle isn’t really affected. I keep pushing my daughter to buckle down and look into the options her school offers—work study, dual credit, etc. It goes in one ear and out the other. I don’t want my daughter to tank her future. I have colleagues who are still paying off their college loans over a decade later. My wife says when she turns 18 she will be in for a rude awakening and that there is nothing we can do about it. I love my daughter and don’t know what to do here.
—Cost of College
Dear Cost of College,
I know you’re worried about the cost of college for your daughter but it seems that higher education might not even be something she wants. As heartbreaking as a realization that might be for a parent who wants their child to go to college, it isn’t for everyone. And not attending college won’t necessarily tank your future either. There are different paths to success: trade schools, internships, apprenticeships, and joining the workforce are a few. While your definition of success may be getting a four-year degree, maybe to her it’s becoming a nomad who volunteers at animal rescue organizations. Or becoming a first responder. The point is, you should strive to be open-minded and ask her what it is she wants, rather than imposing your own plan for her.
So how do you do that? Take your daughter out to lunch in a neutral place and ask her what she wants to do after high school. Not what she plans to do, what she wants to do. You could try, “I love you so much and want the best for you always. If you could do anything in the world after high school, what would you do?” You might be pleasantly surprised to learn that she has ambitions she’s just not shared yet because she might be worried about how you’d react.
If she tells you she’s in fact interested in college, then this is the time to explain to her how paying for college works and the realities of how much (if any) money is saved for her studies between yourself and her mother. Offer to help her figure out a financial plan when the time comes. Options like community college or scholarships could be ways for her to stay out of major debt. She’s entering the college application process now, in her junior year, so presumably, there is still some time for her to figure out whether that’s the path she wants to go down.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
My parents are getting up there in age. My dad is entering his 70s this year and my mom is following right behind him. They have several properties, a business, and different investment accounts that I’m aware of. And yet they haven’t made any plans for their will! They keep saying they need to and never get around to it. I don’t care who they leave what to (I have two other siblings) I just want them to be prepared. How can I convince them that there’s a sense of urgency here? Not because I’m worried for their health at all—and hopefully, we won’t need to worry about this for many, many years—but because they need to be prepared for emergencies. It feels like such a hard and slightly awkward conversation to have with your parents.
—Putting It Off
Dear Putting It Off,
Talking to your parents about their estate plans can definitely be uncomfortable for everyone. There is no easy way to ask, “Hey, what are we supposed to do when you die?” Even I as a financial columnist don’t have the magic words unfortunately (I’m typing this while I stare across the room at my dad). My point is, that it’s a hard topic for most people and I would venture to guess that most people dread bringing it up.
I’ve had partial success by making the conversation not about me but instead, about what each parent might do if the other passed away (this method will likely only work if your parents are still together). If your parents feel like they need to make sure their spouse is protected when they die, they might be more proactive.
Explain to your parents that you want to make sure that they at least have a plan for each other should one of them go. You can then elaborate by saying that you want them both to be prepared so that when the time comes, they can grieve instead of scrambling to pay the bills. This might make them think twice before brushing you off. If that won’t work, you might check out some additional guides for having The Talk. If it’s a matter of not wanting to handle the logistics, you can offer to help them find a lawyer, set up an appointment, get their documents in order, etc.
I also highly recommend reading Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk by Cameron Huddleston. This book has helped me to better understand where my parents are coming from when money issues come up.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
I need help stopping a bad cycle I’ve gotten stuck in. I work in management in retail and make decent, if OK, money. It’s enough for my basic living expenses like rent but leaves me strapped for most everything else. Every time I get paid, I’m excited to have a paycheck again that I find I blow a lot of it in the first few days I get it. I spend big on meals, I go out with friends, drinks on me. And then by the end of week two, I’m struggling to have enough for groceries. I’ve amassed a good deal of credit card debt that I pay a minimum amount on every month. And every time I say it’ll be different but one thing leads to another and when the next paycheck arrives, it’s the same cycle all over again. How do I break the pattern?
—Stuck
Dear Stuck,
Getting out of a paycheck-to-paycheck cycle can be hard if you aren’t sure what’s driving it. I’s not always bad money management. For instance, in your case, it sounds like your spending might be a bit emotional. You mentioned that you make “OK” money that covers your basic living expenses but doesn’t leave room for much else. Living with barely enough to cover your expenses is stressful and while you would think a person would hoard every dollar as a result, many people also do the opposite. If you don’t feel like you have control over your finances or situation, blowing through your funds can be a way people cope.
Going forward, be realistic when it comes to your spending habits. You need a budget immediately. My fellow columnists and I have talked through the budgeting process in a few different columns—so start there. You’re not going to break out of this paycheck-to-paycheck cycle without knowing where all of your money is going first.
But once you’ve set a budget, give yourself some leeway. Don’t write off going out with your friends at all or buying an occasional slice of pizza. Instead, plan to spend some of your money on the fun stuff. Don’t spend all of your extra cash in one sitting like you’re doing now. But give yourself a budget for enjoying yourself that you don’t feel guilty about. Striking some of that balance between getting serious about your finances and some small indulgences will help keep you motivated as you start paying down debt and building your savings account. And by being realistic, you can hopefully combat some of that shame you feel about your paycheck-to-paycheck cycle.
—Athena
Classic Prudie
My partner inherited a five-bedroom house, and we plan to renovate it with grand dreams. A music room, a library, a quilting studio, a room for our foster cat program—anything more than the one-bedroom condo we have been stuck in. Only my sister refuses to be happy for us.
