How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My husband and I are in our early 50s and are not intimate as often as we used to be. He thinks it’s because I’m post-menopausal and am not interested. Closer to the truth is that his stamina has steadily increased over time and I’m not willing to commit the time and energy to long sessions as often. Every encounter lasts at least an hour—longer if you include the lead-up to the actual act. He’s still looking for new positions long after I’ve checked out. I miss the days of a quickie on the kitchen table. If it wasn’t such a production, I’d happily go back to our old frequency. I’ve tried to talk to my husband about this and he mostly just gets self-conscious which makes everything worse. How do I make this clear?

—Chafed

Dear Chafed,

Riddle me this: What do psychedelics and hard, potentially vibe-shifting conversations with our significant others have in common? Set and setting are of the essence. Pick a time when you are both on very good terms—stress is low, feelings are good, there’s nothing else going on with both of you that could be construed as the “real” issue behind your approach. Lead with the good news and present it as such: Tell him that you think you have a solution for your infrequent sex. And then let him know that you’d be more into it if the PIV portions of your sex were shorter.

Notice my wording: “PIV portions of your sex” (feel free to put your own spin on it). Sometimes as guys get older, they find they go on for longer in bed. This can be a good or bad thing depending on their partner and perception of their own difficulty in achieving orgasm. One man’s stamina is another man’s delayed ejaculation. (For more on DE, check out past columns like this one and this one.) Also consider building some tension before the actual act—making out, sexting, talking dirty, but no actual sexual contact. You could possibly do this over the span of many days, effectively edging each other, which may make the eventual sex more explosive.

I would try to be patient here. Definitely don’t have intercourse for longer than you can handle—figure out your cut-off point, whether it’s a set duration or orgasm count, and enforce it. But when you’re done, he may not be, so I think the most generous thing to do would be to stay with him. If you’re not down for vaginal after a certain amount of time, perhaps you could blow him, jerk him off, make out with him, play with his nipples (or butt—that could really help get him over the edge if he’s into it), or simply stay present and maybe hold him. I think that kind of compromise—one that accounts for your differences in stamina—is the most fair and potentially the most mutually satisfying.

Dear How to Do It,

How valuable is it to differentiate between kinks/fetishes and sexual dysfunction? I (a cisgender lesbian) don’t get much out of vanilla sex and only find that my libido kicks in when at least a couple fetishes are being fulfilled. I was frustrated for years with trying to make “normal” sex interesting for me (I have OCD and autism, which play a role) and I felt so relieved when I discovered kink because I can negotiate around things that are mandatory for most vanilla partners. I can wear gloves, keep some control over my sensory input, etc. It’s awesome! But the things I’m turned on by are probably adaptations to sex as something I normally get a lot of negative stimulus from. It’s certainly harder to find partners, and I’ve been recommended therapy, but it’s not exactly fun to have sex that feels bad now to practice for making it better eventually. I just want to bone and enjoy it!

—Never Easy

Dear Never Easy,

I had to read your question a few times to wrap my head around what you’re asking and I think I figured out why it posed such a challenge: You assume a binary understanding of sexuality, in which vanilla sex is is the healthy standard to aspire to and kink is lesser. I fundamentally disagree. If so-called “normal” (your word!) sex feels impossible to you, don’t do it. The healthy way to have sex is to enjoy it. As long as your kinks are consensual and not hurting anyone/exploiting the vulnerable, there’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing. You’ve found your way.

I don’t believe that what you describe even qualifies as sexual dysfunction—maybe technically or medically, some might categorize it that way, but the point is that you are functioning in the presence of fulfilled fetishes. You have found what you need to ignite your libido. This is a huge hurdle for some people and you should feel proud that you’ve solved this issue for yourself. I read “the things I’m turned on by now are probably adaptations to sex as something I normally get a lot of negative stimulus from” as a success story. Yeah, it might be harder to find partners with whom you’re aligned, but you know, there are apps for that. I would guess that anyone who observed you enjoying the kind of sex you want to have and recommended therapy isn’t any kind of expert. And having vanilla sex that feels bad now doesn’t ensure that you’ll eventually enjoy it or even get used to it. As you may have heard, conversion therapy doesn’t have a great success rate. You want to bone and enjoy it, you figured out how to make that happen, so keep at it.

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Dear How to Do It,

How does an older widower get into a moderate attempt at the gay scene?  I had some gay experiences before marriage but now it’s been almost 45 years since then. I have always been gay but have stayed in the closet. My wife passed away over 10 years ago and I would like to have sex again but not with a woman— no matter how attractive or young she might be.

—Late Bloomer

Dear Late Bloomer,

I love your resolve. With that attitude you will be able to resist the most attractive, youngest woman with no issue. Hold on to your dreams. In terms of breaking into the gay scene, you have nightlife, you have public sex spaces, you have apps, you have social events. You may still hear people perpetuating the idea that a gay guy ceases to have a shot at getting laid once he enters his 30s or 40s, but I think people say that less than they used to because many of us understand that it’s total bullshit. There’s a market for virtually every type within the community of horny guys who dig guys. So do not let your age daunt you at all. However, you should know your audience, or at least know what your audience isn’t.

In nightlife, you’ll probably want to avoid twink parties (think: parties that are organized around pop music). Leather bars generally cater to a mature clientele and there are some disco parties that have their share of visible older guys. You should do some research about the parties/bars in your area and their general demographics. Something that might be helpful is that a lot of the major metropolitan areas have their own subreddits (for example, r/nycgaybros). These can be very useful for taking the local temperature and for making inquiries about particular places/scenes. You can, of course, enter any space that will have you, but patronizing one that has a reputation for mature men should make things easier for you.

In terms of public sex, a lot of those spaces attract guys in their 50s, 60s, and older, especially video stores/theaters/gloryhole spots. There are sex parties that are for older men, too. Again: local listings are your friends. And with apps, you can really try ‘em all out, though you’ll find that the more mainstream apps like Grindr and Scruff tend to have high concentrations of guys in their 20s and 30s. OkCupid and Match tend to cast a wide net, and there are apps like Daddyhunt specifically for “older men and their admirers.” As long as you don’t mind being called “Daddy” and treated like one, this is a good route for you (and may be the easiest/best, in fact).

Of course, you don’t want to shut out the possibility of meeting someone in person in a less charged context, which means being extra friendly (but not too forward) to guys you may come across in person. Take interest, ask questions, smile, wink. Live it up—it’s about time.

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 73-year-old hetero guy. I constantly wake up in the middle of the night (3:00 to 4:30 AM, to be specific) with night sweats and a full-blasting boner. My wife and I have not had any sexual activity for more than 30 years due to her physical problems. I’ve had multiple affairs over the years (I love her and will never abandon her, but sex is just not a part of our marriage). But I’ve had no affairs in the past 10 years. And the sleep experiences seem to have no relationship to my actual past affairs. Instead, I find myself fantasizing about many of my girlfriends from my pre-marital days, even back to high school, but mostly college. I’m not sure what to think about this, or more importantly, what to do about it. I masturbate as a release. But I am disturbed about the dreams that involve decades-old memories and girls/women that are far in the past.

—Old Timer

Dear Old Timer,

What’s the problem here? Your dick is raging at 73 and so is your memory. So your mind is as sharp as your dick. What a great proportion.

That is quite a spank bank you’re holding onto. The point of life is to accrue experience, and since no one else is keeping score, the proof you’ve had said experience is the resulting memories. You haven’t had sex with someone in 10 years (or your wife in 30)—I think what’s happening is you’re using what you do have to help you with the release that your body craves. You have the option of using porn if the memories are too disturbing. You could also try therapy if this is really bothering you (though personally, I don’t see this as a problem). But I think the easiest course of action will be to accept yourself, hard dick, memories that have aged like cheddar, and all.

Also, if your affairs have been conducted unethically (as the word “affair” typically connotes), consider not doing that in the future. I know it’s been some time, but if you have the urge and opportunity to do that again, talk to your wife about it and attempt to get her OK. You’ve been together so long that your mutual celibacy is approaching middle age. She might be taken aback or hurt, but at this point, is she really going to leave you? And could she fault you for wanting the sex that she’s not able to provide? Better to talk about this stuff than sneak around it.

—Rich

More Advice From Slate

A few years ago, I confessed to my wife that I have fantasies of wife-sharing and MFM threesomes. I got the cold shoulder. She’s not into it. ButI keep coming up with ideas and scenarios in my head, and I actually lose a lot of sleep because my mind will race with ideas to work toward having a threesome. Part of me wants to keep sharing the ideas that I have with her, but I also don’t want to feel like I’m pushing her or to give myself any false hope. Since she doesn’t have any interest in it, I would love some ideas on how I can get over this particular fantasy.