This article is satire.
Horoscopes are fake and probably satanic. As is talk therapy. The only surefire means of understanding someone’s psyche is to take a peek at their Spotify activity.
One patriot purports to have liberated the Spotify playlists of numerous high-profile politicians, journalists, members of the media, and others.
“I’ve been scraping their playlists for over a year,” the anonymous investigator claims. “The Panama Papers revealed hidden bank accounts. This reveals hidden tastes.”
pretty clever
someone who claims to have scraped public listening data from a number of public figures — politicians, celebrities, journalists — spun up their alleged playlists and made it into a site
thankfully mine isnt too embarrassing but others…https://t.co/3LBhzY1UQm pic.twitter.com/5Hf1FHhp3u
— rat king 🐀 (@MikeIsaac) July 30, 2025
Those hidden tastes fall into four categories.
Best In Class
Republican Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis’ “Hodge-podge mix” is, indeed, a hodge-podge of agreeable tunes. Johnny Cash, Glen Campbell, and The Beach Boys included. (RELATED: Gov. Ron DeSantis Declares ‘Hulk Hogan’ Day, Orders Flags At Half Staff)
Along with DeSantis, the superlative is reluctantly extended to left-wing journalist Taylor Lorenz for her appreciation of the Dire Straits.
House Speaker Mike Johnson turned in a respectable performance, too, with 80’s classics like “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” and a Cyndi Lauper single alleged to fill out his liked tracks on Pandora. Extra points for not jumping on the Spotify bandwagon.
Rounding out the category is Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff for his “High Energy Party” playlist, which includes “California Gurls” and “Let’s Get Retarded.” Woke is dead. Cloud-based software killed it.
I Guess It’s Music
It’s more than noise but less than good. It fills out the halls of Walmarts nationwide. And a playlist attributed to White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Leavitt’s “Baby Shower” playlist indicates she may be a girl. There are subtle hints: songs like “Run the World (Girls),” “Girls Just Want To Have Fun,” and “My Girl.” Also, the fact that she’s having a baby.
Democratic Michigan Rep. Rashida Tlaib, too, is just a girl. And maybe a mess. Her “In love” playlist allegedly includes Ed Sheeran’s “I’m a Mess” and Sam Smith’s “Stay with Me.” A little bleak. Still easier on the ears than Tlaib’s show of whatever for Palestine.
Turn to Jacob Helberg, President Donald Trump’s nominee for under secretary of state for economic growth, energy, and the environment. He’s not a girl. So why is his top song supposedly “Apple,” by Charli xcx (of “brat” fame)? Runner-up is a Chappell Roan song. In third place is a song by a TikTok … dancer? Personality? Gyrator?
“Brat Summer” may be over, but voting is still brat. pic.twitter.com/mcezO8oo29
— Robert Reich (@RBReich) November 5, 2024
I’m Worried
Vice President J.D. Vance is a great vice president. I cannot say the same about his ability in crafting a cohesive playlist. Vance’s taste reflects the yawning wounds of an adolescent emo. But Death Cab for Cutie does not belong with the likes of One Direction. (RELATED: Gavin Newsom Tries To Call JD Vance ‘Dumb,’ Backfires Spectacularly)
Sam Altman, OpenAI CEO, allegedly likes “Get Ur Freak On” by Missy Elliott. Is Altman’s freak on? Is he still getting it on? In any case, it’s freaky enough for me as is.
House Democratic Leader Hakeem Jeffries is married. Charitably, he shares his account with his wife. Uncharitably, he created a playlist called “Galentines,” carefully filled it with songs about female empowerment, and threw a Galentine’s Day brunch for his gals. That’s more fun, and weird, so I’ll go with that.
Attorney General Pam Bondi has a playlist called “pam,” according to the Panama Playlists website. No one can argue with that. It’s true. Pam. But it’s not not odd. (RELATED: Pam Bondi Claims ‘No Knowledge’ Of Epstein Being Intel Asset — But Evidence Is Overwhelming)
Cut Off Your Ears, You’re Not Using Them Anyway
This category was provoked by the taste of one man: FTX Founder and inmate Sam Bankman-Fried. His playlists allegedly include The Weeknd, Khalid, Sia, Frank Ocean, Macklemore, and Becky G.
Thus, the answer to the question, “Who actually listens to the garbage on the Billboard Top 100?”
I don’t care about the fraud. I don’t care about the conspiracy. Bankman-Fried can stay in prison until he issues a formal apology for sending a cent towards Becky G.
Follow Natalie Sandoval on X: @NatSandovalDC
