Who is the happiest person you know? What are their character and lifestyle like? Is anyone actually happy?
The idea of “happiness” in contemporary culture is often a misguided notion, a vague concept meaning something like “unadulterated contentedness devoid of suffering” that tends to leave people endlessly unsatisfied whenever they use it a a guiding principle around which to structure their lives. Under this framework, any amount of dissatisfaction is unacceptable, any hardship an attack on the elusive search for “happiness.” A life devoid of any pain or discomfort at all is an impossible standard for anyone. In that sense, no one can be “happy” all the time. Unless they have an e-course to sell you.
A more meaningful metric to orient life satisfaction around is something like whether someone is at peace with the overall trajectory of his or her life. The good news is that there are plenty of people who fit this description. The bad (or also good, depending on how you see things) news is that their lives generally look similar. They have a sense of purpose that gives their lives meaning, whether that’s from work or family life; they have close relationships, usually both in the form of family and friendships; they are in good health; and they generally have a sense of gratitude and a glass-half-full outlook toward whatever comes their way. And it goes without saying that none of them are Slavic.
For additional insights into the importance of purpose in life over everything else, I highly recommend reading Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning.” It is a useful antidote to the rhetoric of of “happiness” that pervades our culture.
What are your thoughts on dating people with different class backgrounds? I’m a second-generation immigrant who grew up in an East Asian household. Despite a late start in life, I now live in San Francisco, am successful and fit, and have been getting a lot of attention from the ladies, many of whom come from very different class backgrounds and run in different friend circles. I want to marry based on love and mutual trust, so these superficialities don’t bother me much, but I worry there may be misunderstandings due to the differences. What are your thoughts?
First of all, congratulations on being the only man in San Francisco capable of getting not only one but multiple dates. This is a true accomplishment.
Many studies have backed the hypothesis of “assortative mating,” which is the idea that people tend to pair off with people like themselves, including the same level of attractiveness and socio-economic status.
I think there is probably something of a disconnect between how your perceive yourself (outsider, immigrant) and how the women you are dating perceive you. One of the unique elements of American society rarely found anywhere else is that of social mobility. Maybe you were born into one type of social class, but you have moved into a different class by virtue of your own merit. Water seeks its own level, and whether you are aware of it or not, the dating marketplace has probably been matching you appropriately.
It is true that different family backgrounds could present unique challenges to a relationship, as could different cultural backgrounds, but rarely are these insurmountable. Now, if you were living in an Amish community and trying to marry into the Kardashian family, that would probably cause serious consternation. But a tech bro marrying the daughter of a tech bro? That’s just San Francisco.
Will autistic men ever find love?
Richard Feynman had three wives, so the answer is: absolutely! (If you don’t agree with this diagnosis of the great physicist, you have not read his memoirs.) Many, many autistic men have found love. I have a dear friend who, once he embraced his eccentric personality and became more confident in himself, has found himself faced with more interest from the fairer sex than he knows how to manage.
There are certain difficulties autistic men will have to navigate, of course, but they are not impossible. If the hit show “Love on the Spectrum” has taught us anything, it’s that even on the far end of the spectrum, there is a lid for every pot.
Autistic men have two advantages in the dating world. The first is that they have an array of special interests about which they can speak passionately. Contrary to what feminist lore tells us, women love mansplaining. It signals competence and intelligence, two qualities women often look for in a man. The second advantage is that the occasional disregard for social norms that autistic men often demonstrate can be very charming in its display of naïveté. It comes off as genuine and earnest — both of which are hard to find in a dating market full of disingenuous would-be Don Juans.
Of course, not every woman will be taken with the idiosyncrasies of the autistic man, but there are plenty who will be, and you’re only looking for one.
Are traditional religious injunctions against pride and vanity a necessary means of restraining narcissism, or do they prevent gifted individuals from having the confidence necessary to achieve their potential?
Discovering Nietzsche and its consequences have been a disaster for teenage boys everywhere. Leaving aside theological debates about the cardinal sins, one could argue from a pragmatic standpoint that major religions have evolved as successful social technologies that have allowed civilization to function by minimizing friction between individuals. Curtailing pride is one means of indirectly curtailing the downstream effects of other cardinal sins like envy, greed, or wrath. Few, if any, sins exist in a vacuum.
That being said, I would argue that no truly gifted individual with a strong will has ever let any injunction against pride and vanity, religious or otherwise, hold him or her back. Just like that “gifted” program in school did not make anyone a burnout. Barring extreme circumstances, the only person holding you back is you.
Why would I take advice from a minor goddess who was exiled to a remote island by her own father?
Because I have had thousands of years of observation of the human condition and its various iterations to draw upon. And because no one else will tell you the truth.
